Burnt Orange Tinted Glasses

NFL Draft First Round Recap

2010-04-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

Fact: Under current Commissioner Roger Gooddell all televised NFL events must have a 24 hour tape delay in case Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson somehow get on camera simultaneously. Lucky for us Gordon ran into one of their junior editors at a Sizzler and they hit it up... if you're picking up what I'm putting down. Needless to say, I'm not allowed to disclose how we were able to watch the entire first round of the NFL draft (airing tonight) but I think most of you can figure it out.

1. Rams

Smart money: QB Sam Bradford.

Actual pick: Trade down to Pittsburgh, take Uncle Rico in later rounds.

Says general manager Elroy Hirsch "Says general manager Elroy Hirsch, "Have you seen the film on this guy? He's pro-day tapes are off the charts. $@& he threw a football over some mountains... that's beyond anything Michael Vick ever produced for Powerade. Rico may have an unconventional release, but we're confident that things would have been different had coach put him in at state."

1A. Steelers (Acquired from Rams for Ben Sexual Assaultlesberger and first round pick)

Says former head coach Bill Cowher, "The Rooney's always hinted at.... no they flat out told me they were looking to develop a "new breed" of quarterback. I'm pretty confident they're going to put Sam's head and legs on Byron's arms and torso and call it Syron Brussle... at least the abomination won't have Ben's dick to get it in trouble with."

2. Lions

Smart money: DT Ndamukong Suh

Actual pick: DT Ndamukong Suh

Says head coach Jim Schwartz "His name means house of spears right? he has to be able to throw better than Stafford. We've got our franchise quarterback."

3. Buccaneers

Smart money: DT Gerald McCoy

Actual pick: snafu in the war room causes the bucs to take Colt McCoy... Says head coach Raheem Morris "What the hell? can't be any worse than Josh Freeman, right?"

4. Redskins

Smart money: OT Russell Okung

Actual Pick: Tim Tebow.

Says new head coach Mike Shanahan "I can make anyone a running back, I'm going to take a system quarterback and turn him into a system running back."

5. Chiefs

Smart money: S Eric Berry

Actual pick: Dr. Oz.

Says GM Scott Pioli "We hope that Dr. Oz won't botch Charlie Weis' next lap band procedure."

6. Seahawks

Smart money: OT Trent Williams

Actual pick: Jonathan Moxon (West Canaan Coyotes)

Says head coach/GM Pete Carroll, "Mox is a bright kid from the Ivy League with a cannon arm. He got an effin 50 on the Wunderlich for [Pete's]sake, this is the life everyone dreamed for him and he's got the NFL pedigree after playing under coaching legend Jon Voight."

7. Browns

Smart money: DT Dan Williams

Actual pick: Concealed handgun license instructor for NT Shaun Rogers.

Says head coach Eric Mangini "In this economy we can't take a defensive tackle at 7, but we can swing the fees for gun safety classes."

8. Raiders

Smart money: QB Jimmy Clausen

Actual pick: QB JaMarcus Russell

Says owner Al Davis, "The kid deserves another chance so we're forgoing our pick to spend first round money resigning JaMarcus another 3 years.... plus he's black which means he's got better football instincts."

9. Bills

Smart money: OT Bryan Bulaga

Actual Pick: Trade down to Arizona for Matt Leinart and first round pick.

Says head coach Dick Jauron "We heard that Leinart was really good at changing out game tapes, and we just lost our head film guy so it fits... plus I heard he likes to party, figured we'd initiate him into family by taking him to a Mounty Show up on one of those crazy Canadian border towns."

9A. Arizona Cardinals:

Smart money: OT Bryan Bulaga

Actual pick: Incumbent John McCain who is in a tough battle for the United States Senate.

Says owner Bill Bidwell: "I'm an NFL owner, I'm republican, what did you expect?"

10. Jaguars

Smart money: WR Dez Bryant

Actual pick: Deion Sanders

Says head coach Jack Del Rio: "We figured, why not cut out the middle man? Deion was mentoring Dez. Hell, our defense sure could use one more player who can't tackle. Primetime Baby!"

Around the Horn Transcript: Yeah, we got people on the inside

2010-04-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

Note: We accidentally received this memo which was meant for the staff of Around the Horn. It seems like a great window into how show content is developed at ESPN.

MLB Around the Horn

It’s baseball season folks, and though we’re only a few days into the season news is percolating around the league. Here are some of the headlines to look forward to in the first of our 24 to 28 part series throughout the season.

National League

Pittsburgh Pirates- Not much brewing for the Pirates this year, Andrew McCutchen will be a bright spot this year.

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez makes 33 million dollars, The Pittsburgh Pirates make 35. Awesome.

San Francisco Giants- The Giants doled out some serious money for their pitching staff in the offseason.

On another note, it’s going to be hard to slim down third baseman Pablo Sandoval when Tim Lincecum is constantly eating Twinkies and Cool Ranch Doritos on account of the munchies.

Atlanta Braves- This season is manager Bobby Cox’s farewell tour…

Will it be a victory lap? No, but on the bright side we can expect at least 90 ejections this season. What are they going to do? Fire him?

Philadelphia Phillies- The defending NL champs made a big splash acquiring pitcher Roy Halladay.

Has anyone else noticed that he looks EXACTLY like the guy from "The Burbs"?

Colorado Rockies- The Rocks are a trendy pick to make the World Series this season.

This raises a few questions… Who’s their staff ace? Isn’t Todd Helton at least 73 years old? Can anyone tell me why their mascot is a triceratops?

Milwaukee Brewers-

Prince Fielder, still fat.

American League

Texas Rangers- Ron Washington admitted to testing positive for cocaine this spring.

Is this really the guy you want in charge of Josh Hamilton? He reminds me of Dave Chapelle in the Red Ball Commercial.

Chicago White Sox- Pitcher Mark Buehrle made a spectacular defensive play to start the season.

To which manager Ozzie Guillen said, “Dat play? Dat play was a piece of shit. Dis isn’t freaking soccer, Dat play was more queer than [Chicago Tribune writer] Jay Mariotti.”

Tampa Bay Rays- The window for opportunity may be shutting for the Rays with much of their young talent up for grabs at the end of this season.

Manager Joe Maddon (and his uber hip glasses) is not phased, he can be found at local coffee shops poaching free wi-fi and pecking away at his novella.

Seattle Mariners- The Mariners signed pitcher Cliff Lee and surly outfielder/board game creator Milton Bradley in hopes of escaping the cellar.

Will it pan out? Who knows? Bradley (who was happy to escape racism in Chicago) has already been quoted as saying he “refuses to take orders from a Chinaman,” in regards to manager Don Wakamatsu, who is not Chinese.

Cleveland Indians- Pitcher Kerry Wood is starting the season on the disabled list.

Really? What else is new? Is that even newsworthy? That would be like printing “oxygen= important,” “Britney Spears Crazy,” or “Kirstie Alley Hungry” on the front page of the paper. The fact that the Indians are paying Wood 10 million explains the tribe in a nutshell.

Baltimore Orioles-

There is still a team in Baltimore, they have uniforms and everything.

Big 12 to Pat Knight: Suit Up!

2010-03-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

Texas Tech head basketball coach Pat Knight was informed by the Big 12 that he was to dress a little more becoming of a division one basketball coach. Knight, who was wearing his signature Red Raider polo when the number one Kansas Jayhawks dispatched Tech in the Big 12 tournament Thursday afternoon.

Kansas coach Bill Self agreed with the Big 12's decision.

"He came up and shook my hand after the game and I thought it was an athletic trainer," Self explained. "Seriously, I was wondering why an athletic trainer was coming up to me. I was wondering if he was going to tape my ankles or something. The only way I found out he was a coach is because he wasn't wearing a fanny pack."

The statement from the Big 12 used language ranging from unbecoming to schleppy when describing Knight's sideline attire.

"We want our head coaches to look the part during the games," a Big 12 compliance official stated. "And a polo is not going to get that done. If he thinks a sweater vest is going to work, he's wrong on that as well. This isn't football and only Jim Tressel can wear something so gay looking. Basketball coaches wear suits on the sidelines, leave the polos for trainers, equipment managers, and cheer coaches."

The Big 12 official offered suggestions for Knight to emulate.

"Rick Pitino is a good model, minus the seedy Italian-ness. I would stay away from the Bruce Pearl look, I don't understand why he wears that orange blazer, his face is orange enough from mystic tans," the official explained. "People need to see Big 12 coaches on the sidelines and have the impression that these guys are as classy as Pitino and the guys in the Big East."

Final Note: Welcome to the big show kid.

True Sports Warriors: Beach Volleyball

2010-03-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

Published March 11, 2010

By BALLER X

Sick of hearing players of mainstream sports bitch about how hard it is making millions of dollars (but keep in mind they only get paid 23 weeks out of the year, and everyone has a hand out boo hoo)? Tired of hearing about how gun culture affects the NFL and NBA? At BOTG we are too. We decided to use our vast resources and give the real warriors of the athletic world some face time. The first in our all access series is a beach volleyball player. This person isn't just a beach volleyballer, he/she is EVERY beach volleyballer...

Editors Note: The following content was not created or fabricated by the BOTG staff, it comes straight from the camel's mouth.

I know what you're thinking duude. How horrible, you get to travel to beaches around the world and play volleyball in bathing suits for a living. Well let me tell you something bro, if you're cool with melanoma, purple lips, and chapped nipples it's a pretty legit lifestyle. Seems like some of you douschenozzles might poke fun at our uniforms. Do you seriously not think wearing caps with the bill flipped up counts as a uniform? Well, I do. It's gnarly.

But let me be honest, no holding back aight? Life is not all fun in games in the world of beach volleyball. First is the sponsors. You think Tiger Woods has it tough with all his endorsements? You think being backed by the likes of Nike, Buick, and Gatorade is demanding? Try having reps from Speedo, Hawaiian Tropic, and Sex Wax. Those dudes don't fuck around, it's serious business. There are literally hundreds of dollars at stake. If I don't perform, what the hell am I supposed to do for hotels? Couchsurfing.com? GTFO with that noise, noobs.

Now looks, I'll admit, it's cool being on the beach for a living. There was a time when hanging out at a beach all the time playing volleyball would get you called a bum no better than the old hippie with the metal detector, but like I said before it's a tough life. For one, the beaches today are terrible. Last month at a tournament in California I stepped on a syringe. I'm probably going to die an AIDS related death now, awesome. Also the attire we have to wear sucks. It's not great for the dudes (aside from the caps with the flipped up bills), and if you're a chick the term "sand in your vagina" takes on a whole new meaning.

The truth of the matter is that we get paid damn good money to do what we do. Last year our team made $18,000 bucks for us to split. Our manager only took 20% off the top of that (which he told us was a steal). That's too much money to pass up, that's money worth contracting AIDS for.

Final Note: Yeah, that just happened.

Marion Jones signed by Tulsa Shock, other athletes follow suit via twitter

2010-03-10T10:41:00.000-08:00

Published March 10, 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN

Disgraced former fastest lady in the world Marion Jones signed with the WNBA's Tulsa Shock today being granted a second chance as an athlete following her imprisonment. News of Jones' signing, who played for the North Carolina Tar Heels during the mid Nineties and was the point guard for 94 national team, has apparently inspired other athletes to make switches. We have a slew of press flooding in from agents and PR teams, but it looks like the bulkhead is coming off on this new trend in sports. Here are some excerpts from twitter:

KevinDurant35: Is joining the Lumber Liquidators PBA! Coach said its cool since events are on sundays, who wants to sponsor my balls?

OGOchoCinco: Just got signed to do ESPN First Take. I'm comin for that MFer Skip Bayless

TheRealTroyAikman: @OGOchoCinco Do it baby, someone needs to put Skip in his place!

TheRealShaq: is excited to soon be the Most Dominant Driver, Nascar will be renamed Shaqscar.

TimDuncan21: still has no opinion.

DwightHoward: Woooooot, USA Volleyball said I can be on da team! Wait, do i have to wear knee high socks?

GatoradeCorporation: We got lots of sponsorship $$$ now, who's interested?

KevinDurant35: @GatoradeCorporation Sponsor my balls!

NikeCorporation: @GatoradeCorporation lol, you gotta diversify your sponsorships...

Therealshaq: @GatoradeCorporation I gots space on my car, you intrested?

Johndailyrawks: @GatoradeCorporation iminterestedinyouroffer,doyoumakedrinkswithalcoholsss?

CoachBillParcells: I have a new sporting venture, details to follow once it's concrete.

ArrrghImapirate (Leach): Parcels and I are starting our own college football league, take that NCAA.

CoachBillParcells : @ArrrghImapirate shit.

TherealArod: Joining The New York Ballet (yay pirrouetts!) still doin the tennis thing on the weekends though, btw anyone want to buy my house?

NoImtherealarod: @therealarod Damnit Andy give me my name back, how the hell are you so good at computer hacking?

Therealarod: @NoImtherealarod lots of free time on tour, not as many vancouver strip clubs in europe ya know?

ITSTIGERBITCHES: Eh why fight it, I'm signing a long term contract with Vivid Video. No questions.

The Drew Bledsoe Effect: how Mike Holmgren will turn Brady Quinn into an NFL quarterback

2010-03-03T09:51:00.001-08:00

Published March 3rd, 2010

In his first move as football czar for the Cleveland Browns, Mike Holmgren is making waves.

The Former Seattle Seahawks/current Wally the Walrus look alike announced today that the Browns are bringing Drew Bledsoe out of retirement.

“The guy is a nurturer,” Holmgren said. “Look at the kids who come up from under him: [Tony] Romo and [Tom] Brady. Those guys backed him up and now look; both Pro Bowlers. I’m pretty sure this will get Brady Quinn on track,” Holmgren added. “It’s called the Drew Bledsoe Effect.”

Bledsoe didn’t come cheap, Holmgren had to outbid Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, who had a similar plan for Bledsoe to nurture his own embattled quarterback, Jamarcus Russell.

“We don’t want Drew [Bledsoe] coming in until the first week of the season,” Holmgren said. “We don’t want him conditioned or prepared at all,” Holmgren continued. “I’m not saying I want him unprepared and to get hurt, but I’m not NOT saying that.”

Holmgren was eager to dismiss those who think he’s running Bledsoe out to be seriously injured.

“We’re shooting for a broken sternum, or arm, or leg, not a collapsed lung or paralysis,” Holmgren said. “Nothing life threatening, but serious enough to get Brady [Quinn] in there.”

Holmgren was also quick to dispel any quarterback controversy rumors.

“Brady [Quinn] will take snaps with the first team offense during the preseason, and hopefully by halftime of the opener nature will have run its course and the Drew Bledsoe Effect will have come to fruition,” Holmgren explained.

Quinn is excited about Holmgren’s commitment to making him better.

“This is so freaking sweet,” Quinn said. “I can go from the buffest backup quarterback in the league to the buffest Super Bowl winning quarterback. Tom Brady may have to handsome devil market cornered, but I’ll grab the jacked quarterback market and never let go. EAS is going to be pumped, like me. God I’m so freaking ripped,” Quinn said.

Insensitive sports quotes brought to light following Kornheiser suspension by ESPN

2010-02-24T10:37:00.001-08:00

Published February 24, 2010

By BOTG STAFF

Tony Kornheiser was suspended by ESPN for two weeks in lieu of comments made regarding the dress attire of Sports Center anchor Hannah Storm.

"She's got on red go-go boots and a Catholic-school plaid skirt ... way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now ... She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body ... Come on now! Stop! What are you doing?" said Kornheiser on his radio show last week.

News of punishment is sending shock waves through the sports entertainment industry as other similar comments are being brought to the forefront by various whistle blowers. BOTG, always a bastion of ethical journalism, has unearthed exclusive quotes via our extensive network of local reporters. WARNING: The following quotes may not be safe for viewing at work, please view at your own discretion.

"Have you ever shaken [Adrian Peterson's] hand? It's like a vice grip. He learned that from his father who spent years holding on to a bar of soap for dear life in prison." former NFL head coach Jon Gruden.

"I know what Rocker said was inappropriate, but have you ever been on the train to Shea Stadium?" MLB sportscaster Jon Miller.

"I haven't seen a Jew kick as much ass as David Stern since Eric Bana in Munich," ESPN columnist Bill Simmons.

"I'd say the Pirates have the same shot at winning the world series as Sarah Palin volunteering for Albert Pujols' charity for Down Syndrome" ESPN Baseball analyst Joe Morgan.

"Who let the dogs out? Not Michael Vick." lead sportscaster for Monday Night Football Mike Tirico

"Tonight we've got a barn burner baaabyyyy. It's the UConn Huskies versus the nappy headed hos in primetiiiime baaaabyyy." Apparent alcoholic Don Imus doing a terrible impression of sportscaster Dick Vitale.

"He was screaming that he would show me his, can I say this on television (looks to NBA representative)? He was saying he was going to show me his dick. I can't have NBA players running around pulling their pants down during a game as some showing of masculinity. At some point the refs must be able to control what happens at the court, male nudity is where I draw the line." Semi-deaf NBA Official Joey Crawford on why he ejected Tim Duncan.

"Joey had a wild look in his eyes and threatened to fight me, I was trying to point out to him that they were using illegal picks." San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan following his ejection by NBA Official Joey Crawford.

"The Steelers attack the defense the way Ben Roethlisberger attacks chubby hotel cleaning ladies." NFL on NBC commentator Cris Collinsworth.

"Facebook? More like f*ckbook." PGA golfer and admitted sex addict Tiger Woods.

"Hey sugartits, what's your name?" Former Baseball Tonight Anchor Steve Phillips to producer Brooke Hudley during a mis-scheduled commercial break.

"Woah, I bet she eats a lot of turkey." John Madden commenting on a fan during a Thanksgiving Day broadcast.

"The Flying Tomato looks more like The Messy Period following that crash!" X-Games host Sal Masekela on Shaun White.

"Goalie fights are as rare as black hockey players," ESPN NHL hockey analyst Barry Melrose.

"[Insert anything ever said by Mike Tyson here]." Former WBA Heavy Weight Champion Mike Tyson.

BOTG looks to the future: 2010 MLB headlines

2010-02-23T13:08:00.001-08:00

Published February 23, 2010

Editor's Note: Apparently Gordon has channeled The Great Carnak and pulled some press headlines from the future, this is the type of hard-nosed reporting journalism needs right now!

With pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training baseball season is officially around the corner, here’s a look at some of the upcoming season’s headlines thus far.
American League
New York Yankees- The defending world champions have yet to find a fifth pitcher for their starting lineup since Joba Chamberlain ate the last one.
Detroit Tigers- Word is that newly acquired outfielder Johnny Damon (who has the throwing arm of an eight year old girl) said he would take the pay cut the Tigers offered so that he could, “beat Magglio Ordonez’s .26 reading on the breathalyzer, broskie.”
Minnesota Twins- The Twins have yet to sign hometown hero Joe Mauer. Those in the baseball know are shocked to hear that there is still baseball played in Minnesota.
Boston Red Sox- Pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka is said to be on the same page as the Boston pitching staff. Page one.
Texas Rangers- Outfielder Josh Hamilton was found free basing Lucky Charms in an alley behind a grocery store.
National League
Los Angeles Dodgers- Outfielder Manny Ramirez declares that 2010 as his last year with the Dodgers. Ramirez has plans to play next year on the planet Pluto (crazy, I know, he still calls Pluto a planet).
Philadelphia Phillies- The National league champion’s closer Brad Lidge says he’s ready for this season. On a related note St. Louis Cardinals Slugger Albert Pujols says that “he's ready to for the Phillies.”
Florida Marlins- An unnamed source in the Marlins’ front office explained why the Marlins ship away any talent that would cost over 13 bucks: “We’re making room for Lebron James,” the exec explained.
Pittsburgh Pirates- A marketing executive with the Pirates announced that the team would be holding an “Emo Day.” Anyone wearing any combination of skinny jeans, a haircut that swoops over one eye, or a morose expression will receive free admission. The exec described it as, “A bunch of sad looking people watching a sad looking team.”
Cincinnati Reds- Cuban defect free agent pitcher Aroldis Chapman has reportedly found out how much it sucks to play for the Reds. He has been seen trying to escape Cincinnati on a raft. “Fidel, take me back,” Chapman has been quoted as saying.
Final thought: YOU BROKE MY HEART BRAD LIDGE.

Tiger Woods "I am not a role model"

2010-02-17T19:46:00.000-08:00

Published January 17, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

Tiger Woods is slated to speak out for the first time since his car troubles Friday morning. The normally tight lipped Woods gave a BOTG reporter who was enrolled at the same rehab center (for different reasons) an unprecedented look at a draft of his statement.

“Good morning. I’ll be making a short statement ~~and then~~ ~~opening things up for your questions.~~ You’ll have to excuse my notes, I’m a little nervous. ~~Sarah Palin will never call me the ‘charismatic guy with the teleprompter,’~~

A few months ago I had a car accident. I was not under the influence of alcohol or any illegal substances. A few days later, word of my transgressions came out. I would first like to take this opportunity to ~~beg my wife for forgiveness~~ apologize to my wife. What I did was ~~understandable for a super athlete like me~~ unforgiveable.

~~There were hundreds of women I slept with, maybe even thousands, I was getting laid more than Wilt Chamberlain back in his prime.~~ I did cheat on my wife ~~a lot,~~ and for that I’m sorry to my wife, kids, and fans. ~~If that meddling bitch had stayed out of my text messages everything would still be great.~~

~~My agent says~~ I need to thank my fans for their understanding. From my fans I ask forgiveness. ~~I guess, I really don’t care.~~ Please keep in mind that I’m a human, and I make mistakes. ~~If you consider having sex with numerous numerous women a mistake.~~ That being said I ~~hate~~ cherish my role as a role model, and ~~don’t care to~~ hope to regain people’s trust.

As far as my sponsors go: ~~you’ve already made me more money than I know what to do with. Seriously, I was throwing thousands of dollars at all these women.~~ I hope to restore the Tiger Woods name, and make you all proud to be affiliate with me again. I’m going to keep throwing clubs and cursing on camera, but I promise that all my future infidelities under wraps. If you think about it, I did a pretty good job, I’ve been cheating on Elin since day three of our marriage, and it just ~~NOW~~ ~~came out.~~

My time at the ~~Bunny Ranch~~ Pine Grove Rehab Center in ~~Nevada~~ Mississippi was a great experience. ~~I spent my days having sex with multiple hookers simultaneously~~ in group therapy learning ~~tantra~~ self control. I’m~~the same~~ a changed man.

I’m ~~the same~~ a changed man. I’m looking forward to hitting ~~on waitresses, bartenders, flight attendants, anything that’s not my wife~~ the course again soon.

Rick Pitino to Jersey Shore

2010-02-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Published February 15, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

There may be mutual interest between Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino and the New Jersey Nets after all. Pitino denied any such interest to the saps at ESPN, but to BOTG he said a deal was “imminent” and that we needed to keep our mouths shut, capisce?

Soon to be Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov said there was never any doubt that Pitino was his man.

“In mother Russia we look for a man like Reek for leadership. In my veellage Reek would control all of the vodka and potatoes,” Prokhorov said in a heavy Russian accent. “Except if someone tried to extort me there wouldn’t be any authorities involved… If you catch my drift.”

Pitino explained to us off the record (something that matters little to us) why he is denying his interest.

“The job doesn’t open up until April, I tell you now that I’m interested, and boom, I’m a lame duck coach and we start losing; and let me tell you this, losing coaches don’t get to have sex in restaurants after hours,” Pitino explained.

Pitino has gone as far as to contact the “Jersey Shore” creators with interest in making appearances on the show.

“Hey, I’ll be in the area. I think it’ll be great,” Pitino said of the Shore. “First thing I’m going to do is lay down a full court press to get Snookie on a table.”

Pitino, a member of the Italian American sports hall of fame, is still unsure about nicknames for the show, but is kicking around ideas.

“There’s already a ‘Situation’ and ‘J-wow.’ I could be ‘Rowdy Rick’ or ‘Pitino the Pipe Layer.’ It’s a work in progress. All I know is that I want to be involved with such a good group of young Italian Americans.” Pitino said.

Final Note: MTV could do wonders with Pitino and Sooki both on board.

Jimmie Johnson accidentally ends up on To Catch a Predator

2010-02-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

Published January 5, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

Four time Nascar Nextel Cup champion Jimmie Johnson will appear on an upcoming episode of Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.”

“I freaking knew it,” said Hendrick Motorsport teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. “Everything about that dude screams pederast.”

Johnson, 34, arrived at the home of what he thought was a 14 year old boy in his number 48 racecar. When Johnson entered the house, host Chris Hansen sprang the trap.

“I wasn’t going to do anything,” Johnson said upon seeing the camera crew.

Hansen then proceeded to produce a printout of the lewd instant message conversations Johnson had with the decoy.

“It says here you wanted him to handle your stick shift,” Hansen said.

Unphased, Johnson replied, “I didn’t say that, that’s not me.”

“Then who wants this kid to handle their stick shift?” Hansen asked. “Isn’t your screenname ‘longjohnson48?” Hansen inquired further.

“Uh yeah, I’m a racecar driver,” Johnson said pointing to his race suit and his Lowes racecar. “Can I go now?”

Hansen then told Johnson he was free to go, and a clearly unnerved Johnson bolted for the door toward his racecar. He climbed in through the window and peeled out of the driveway.

“Get me out of here Chad [Johnson crew chief Chad Knaus],” Johnson was heard screaming into his helmet.

Eyewitnesses indicate that a mile down the road a case of Wacky Watermelon Boone’s farm, a box of condoms, and a tickler were seen flying out of the window of the 48 racecar.

The episode of “To Catch a Predator” is set to air February 14, the same day as the Daytona 500. No word yet on Johnson’s status.

Final Note: Gordon thinks JJ looks like a pedophile. Let me rephrase, Gordon feels SO STRONGLY about JJ looking like a classic pedophile he wrote this article. I'm surprised he didn't write one about George Muresan. If Frankenstein can be pegged as a pedophile/child killer, surely there's a place in Eastern Europe eying Muresan the same way. BTW, check out Muresan's cologne.

Gilbert Arenas to "regain trust of children"

2010-02-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

Published February 4, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

Gilbert Arenas, fresh off his plea bargain and suspension is determined to do right by the children of America.

“I intend to regain the trust that children used to have in me,” Arenas said.

When interviewing children about their trust in Arenas, BOTG found that the majority of kids who live outside Washington D.C. have no idea who Arenas is. One kid actually confused Gilbert Arenas with Gilbert Gottfried, the voice of the AFLAC duck.

“I don’t trust that AFLAC duck at all,” the child said. When told that Gilbert Arenas was not the voice of the duck, but a gun toting basketball player the child asked, “don’t all basketball players have guns and come from the hood?”

It turns out the child was the son of former Kansas basketball coach Mark Mangino.

Arenas remains undeterred.

“Agent Zero is a straight shooter,” Arenas said. “Wait, I didn’t shoot anyone, I’m a straight aimer. I’m going to regain the trust of the youth of America through non-violence, which won’t be hard considering I didn’t actually shoot anyone.”

Final Note: Cementing the fact that Gilbert Arenas is from another planet was the quote, "I mean, honestly, if I was going to attack someone it would be with the needler. That shit is annoying and you can't get away from it!" True that.

Phil Mickelson caught cheating?

2010-02-02T12:29:00.000-08:00

Published February 2, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR and CHRIS THORBURN

Scott McCarron, who has been critical of Phil Mickelson's use of golf clubs that have grooves on them that no longer conform to PGA and USGA standards, yet are still legal to use because they are grandfathered in.

"I didn't call Phil a cheater," McCarron said. "I said using those clubs is cheating and that people who cheat are dirty rotten bastards, it's not the same."

McCarron is planning to continue to voice his displeasure about Mickelson and others continuing to use the controversial clubs.

"I'm like O.J. Simpson, I will not rest until these people are brought to justice," McCarron said referencing the acquitted wife murderer.

No word yet on whether or not the Tigerless PGA brass put McCarron into talking smack to Mickelson.

Final Thought: In other news former PGA Tour golfer Lee Trevino issues a similar quote.

"I'm not saying Tiger is a cheater," said Trevino on his blog shootermcgavinaintgotshitonme.com, "I'm just saying that people who work out more than I do have an unfair advantage and are dirty rotten bastards, but Tiger is not a cheater."

Breaking News: Dwight Freeney is a Hall of Famer

2010-02-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

Published February 1, 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN

While waiting on results from a second MRI, Indianapolis Colts Defensive End Dwight Freeney received news of a secret placement in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

"I was just sitting on my couch watching Big Bang Theory, I'm usually playing or watching Peyton [Manning] and The Regasaur [Wayne] practice Monday nights so I have to binge watch it on TiVo, when my phone started blowing up," said Freeney.

Freeney's iPhone was lambasted with over 430 text updates from Twitter and Facebook updates congratulating the star on the career achievement award shortly after Bob Pecosi leaked the news during a Sports Center Update on ESPN Radio earlier this morning.

According to Freeney, the only phone calls he received three total phone calls during the entire episode as he scrambled to hit pause on his TiVo and go to wikipedia so that he may verify the veracity of Pecosi's claim.

"Thank the big man upstairs I was able to get an iPad," said Freeney, "Without it I would have had to have gotten off the couch and hobbled around on my bad ankle. You shoulda seen those mothers at Best-Buy the other day, it felt like I was playing against my fellow Hall of Famer Bruce Matthews or something trying to wind in an out of the aisles. I must have thrown six or seven, wait no, at least 12 spin moves to beat them to an iPad. Crazy man..."

Freeney went on to state that the phone calls came from Hall of Fame Chairman Gabriel Thurman, who called to let Freeney know if it was true that he had secretly be introduced into the HOF (the answer was, for some unknown reason, stated as a question when Thurman said, "What is "no" Dwight?), NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell, who told Freeney that an investigation into this was imminent and, "That if Adam Jones is involved in this in any way you're going down", and Terry Bradshaw who apparently called to see if Freeney had recorded the latest Frank Caliendo Show.

While the announcement appears to be a miscue on Pecosi's behalf(Pecosi admitted to reading an old Sports Illustrated earlier this morning while waiting in a doctors office lauding Freeney's ability and the Colt's defense and became confused), Freeney has not given up hope that he has become the first modern NFL player to become a Hall of Fame member before he has retired.

"Those were the worst [expletive] calls I've seen in a long time ... To have an event of that magnitude taken out of your hands, it's just disgusting. It's not like they made one [expletive] bad call -- it's two calls, in the morning ... They need to start investigating some other [expletive]."

The SEC now stands for So Extra Careful.

2010-01-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

Published January 27, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

SEC officials announced Wednesday that it was fining the South Carolina Gamecocks 25,000 dollars for allowing the student body to storm the court following the Gamecock victory of number the number one Kentucky Wildcats.

The fine was higher because the Gamecocks are repeat offenders.

“We can’t have kids storming courts,” Former Cornell athletic Director and current SEC commissioner Mike Silve said. “The floor gets scuffed up.”

Kentucky coach John Calipari stands behind the SEC’s decision.

“I’ve always championed rules and regulations, the SEC rule [on court storming] is clear, as are the Conference USA and Atlantic 10’s rules on not taking SATs for students are clear.”

South Carolina Raymond Harrison was bewildered with the decision.

“It’s not like we have a lot to celebrate anyway,” Harrison said.

The SEC is said to be looking into rule changes regarding crowd behavior following basketball games.

“Cutting down the nets is really frowned upon, that’s university property, we’re really working to get rid of that nonsense,” Silve said. “However, we understand that upsets are exciting. Therefore a rule change is in the works that would allow students to storm the court, but first they must take off their shoes.”

Final thought: Chill out SEC.

Urban Meyer to Tim Tebow: I’m Over You

2010-01-25T11:35:00.000-08:00

Published January 25, 2010

By: GORDON TAYLOR

Urban Meyer has recently been seen in public, looking alive and well. Meyer gave the Gator faithful a scare following the Sugar Bowl announcing his retirement, reneging, and then requesting an indefinite leave.

A source close to Meyer insists the reason the Gators seemed overwhelmed in the SEC championship against Alabama was because Meyer was grief stricken that Tebow was soon leaving.

“We [the Florida coaching staff] would be studying film and Urban would suddenly put it on pause. I don’t think he was looking at ‘Bama’s defense. I think he was staring longingly into number 15’s eyes,” said a coach who asked not to be revealed when word came out that Meyer was returning. “Urban quit eating, and would just pace around the workout facility mumbling, ‘he’s gone, he’s gone.’”

Then there was the bizarre incident in which Meyer’s wife called 911 (ala Elin Woods), and Meyer was rushed to the hospital (ala Tiger Woods).

“I came home and in all the family portraits, Tim Tebow’s face had replaced mine,” said Meyer’s wife Shelley. “He really hit bottom there, he needed time away.”

Weeks after that bizarre incident, Meyer, who had been too morose to eat, has begun picking up the pieces of his broken heart, started eating again, and has put on 20 pounds. Meyer has also been quoted as saying he is ready to coach spring football for the Gators. The message being:” I’m over your Timothy Tebow. I gave you the best five years of my life, but I’m over you.”

Meyer did reach out to Tebow one last time on the eve of Senior Bowl week, calling Tebow and leaving him a message in which he sang, “beeeee yourseeeelf. Beeeeee yourseeeeeelf,” in regards to Tebow’s upcoming interviews with NFL personnel.

When asked for comment all Tebow could say was, “Creepy.”

Final Note: Where do you play Tebow in the NFL? I feel he would be wasted as a fullback, can't play QB, and am not sure he is big enough to be a tight end. Unless he falls into a team with a prominent Wildcat package, I'm not sure he'll thrive.

NFL Divisional Champnsionship Picks!

2010-01-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

Published January 23 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN and GORDON TAYLOR

It’s championship weekend, the last true football Sunday. After Sunday it will be the increasingly irrelevant Pro Bowl, followed by hourly team updates from Rachel Nichols and Wendy Nicks from outside the respective teams’ locker rooms, the “All Madden Team,” and “The Howie Long ‘Tough Guy Team’- they’re built Ford Tough.” Or was it Chevy?

So let’s enjoy this final football Sunday, because after this all that’s left is NBA basketball, though there are rumors that the NHL is still in business.

New York Jets vs. Indianapolis Colts

Gordon: Peyton Manning took Sandra Bullock down, and Mark Sanchez out sexied Philip Rivers. Mark Sanchez now has as many playoff wins as Joe Namath. I predict the Jets win and Sanchez will begin doing panty hose commercials like that Nancy boy Namath did in the 1970s.

Chris: This one is hard to call, as much as I love The Bad News Jets and the ensuing storyline, can they really topple the most lovable figure in all of sports? Defeating Peyton Manning is like taking down Snuggles the bear, except worse because Peyton is human and has a soul! I'm taking the Ponies by 14.

Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints

Gordon: Brett Favre and Brad Childress showed they were cold blooded killas running the score up against Dallas. Reggie Bush and Drew Brees sent Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner home to an angry abusive wife. The difference in this game will be Jared Allen. Look for Allen to dry hump Brees up and down the field, doing his signature dance which is supposed to allude to calf roping, but to me looks like he is winding up a towel so he can pop someone with it.

Chris: This is a very tough call. We have two NFC teams who seemingly limped into the the playoffs only to completely dismantle their opponents. Looks like those by-weeks paid off. I love the game Quick Draw McBrees plays and really, really dislike Captain Choke. However I can't dismiss how complete this Vikings team is, hell their coach looks just like BTK. Now that is cold blooded. The Nords win by 10.

Henry Rowengartner signs lucritive contract with Texas Rangers

2010-01-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

Published January 22, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

In an effort to bolster their often lackluster pitching staff, Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan announced the acquisition of Henry Rowengartner in a nine year 171 million dollar contract. Rowengartner was last seen leading the Chicago Cubs to the 1993 World Series title winning the “Rookie of the Year” award along the way.

When asked if he was aware that the then 12 year old Rowengartner is in fact now 29 year old Thomas Ian Nicholas Ryan said, “The kid throws 100 miles an hour. He is going to keep the hitters off balance by establishing the heater, and then mixing in the hot stinky cheese.”

Ryan also plans to use Rowengartner/Nicholas on the base paths on days he does not pitch. “He is a pitcher’s worst nightmare. Imagine looking in for a sign and having the base runner inundate you with taunts such as ‘pitcher’s got a big butt’,” Ryan said, "The kid is fearless."

Rowengartner/Nicholas’s contract makes him the highest paid pitcher in the league, but according to GM Jon Daniels the Rangers got a “great value.”

“In Rowengartner we get a kid who has a championship pedigree. He took the Cubs to the World Series, and won. He has a bulldog mentality, the courage he showed against the Mets with a hurt arm is astonishing. Henry is not just a thrower, he is a pitcher. Even when he doesn’t have his best stuff he gets outs. Just ask [imaginary New York Mets slugger] Hedo about Henry’s floater,” Daniels said.

No word yet on whether or not the Rangers have contacted Chet Steadman/Gary Busey to mentor Rowengartner/Nicholas, but a clearly inebriated Gary Busey indicated he would be interested in the position.

“Everyone knows Chet Steadman is the real ‘Rocket’. I’d be a wonderfulnificent mentor to Henry. Unlike Roger [Clemens], I’ve never taken a drug in my life,” Busey said

Nicholas is set to report with pitchers and catchers February 18.

Final Thought: Gary Busey is crazy and will eventually spin right off the planet.

A Day and night (mostly night) With Matt Leinart

2010-01-19T10:13:00.000-08:00

Published January 19, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

The real story of the New Orleans Saints’ rout of the Arizona Cardinals was Arizona backup quarterback Matt Leinart. Leinart was dazzling hitting an array of receivers in his only drive which set up a 50 yard field goal attempt which kicker Neil Rackers left short.
Leinart’s first half heroics are made even more amazing by the fact that he was still buzzed from lunch when he came into the game. Leinart allowed BOTG an all access pass to a normal day in his life.

7:00 A.M- Alarm rings, hit the snooze. Had a long night last night, not feeling weights this morning.

7:13 A.M- Alarm rings for third time. “Damn, I will literally beat the shit out of the person who invented the six minute snooze.” Throw alarm clock across the room shattering it. I may not play much, but I still have a cannon.

11:37 A.M- “Sweet Jesus, what happened to my alarm clock?” No shower, no shave, gurgle some mouth wash (swallow, catch a nice buzz, a great way to start the day).

12:17 P.M- Arrive at Cardinals facility, good thing it’s Monday and meetings don’t start until one. I’m early, look out Kurt [Warner].

12:18 P.M- Fuck, it’s Tuesday. We start putting in the game plan at 10. Coach Whiz [Ken Whisenhunt] is not going to be happy. Looks like I’m clipboard boy for another week.

5 P.M- Leave Cardinals training facility. I didn’t do too much; drank my weight in Gatorade, was feeling a little dehydrated from last night. That was a doozy, it was nothing compared to tonight. Tonight’s going to be tiiight.

8:17 P.M- Phone rings, what the hell? It’s Paris Hilton. No seriously, what the hell? Never again, she’s the league mattress. I will not settle for “Brian Urlacher ass.”

8:30 P.M- Just got to dinner with some friends, some sushi joint, Sake, niiiice. Sushi sucks though, Reginald [Saints running back Reggie Bush] turned me onto it. Some lame ass L.A. thing.

8:34 P.M- Since I’m a celebrity I order weird stuff that’s not on the menu, Nogg-a-sakes all around! I’ll take three. I friggin’ love “The Office”, coach Whiz is so Michael Scott.

10:15 P.M- First bar of the night, some joint called Rula Bula. I try to drink within the theme of the bar. Hmmm, Rula Bula, this is a tough one, sounds tropical Mai Tais maybe? Troy Polamalu made the best Mai Tais, that guy was a wild man.

11:58 P.M- Arrive at Monkey Pants. What the hell is the theme of that place? No more tropical drinks though. I couldn’t have possibly looked any gayer sipping on Mai Tais and Sex on the Beaches at Rula Bula, Especially since it was a pub.

1 A.M- Monkey Pants- 99 bananas, I’ve had 14 shots over the last hour. Good God this stuff is amazing, even better I can put it in my muscle milkshakes, beats swallowing mouthwash.

1:50 A.M- Tempe, Arizona officially blows. Bars close at 2 A.M? Weak.

2:03 A.M- Cab home, don’t drink and drive kids. That’s how Leinart rolls. You know what Leinart sounds like? Lion-heart, I need to talk to my agent about that. Matt Lionheart. Insist on telling cabbie about the fact my Wunderlich Test score was higher than Vince Young’s.

2:07 A.M- Cabbie is pissed, yakked in the backseat, whoops, stupid 99 bananas.

2:33 A.M- Get home, tip the cabbie, set cell phone alarm for 8 A.M. Not missing the Tuesday morning walk through.

3:37 A.M- I wonder what Paris Hilton is up to.

9:15 A.M- Arrive at Cardinals facility early for Tuesday practice set for 10 A.M. still drunk, in need of sleep.
9:16 A.M- Fuck, it’s Wednesday, no practice until one, could have slept it off.

BOTG Exclusive: Interview with Mike Leach

2010-01-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

Published January 17, 2009

By GORDON TAYLOR

Greetings from Tortuga Isle, there sure are some big ass turtles here. I’ve tracked down befallen head coach Mike Leach. Unless you’ve been under a rock, or perhaps a gigantic turtle shell, you surely know about Leach, Adam James, and someone’s chubby gal pal. Despite all that has happened I have found Leach and former assistant Ruffin McNeill drinking rum and sword fighting the locals. I was able to trade a barrel of gun powder in exchange for a moment of their time (where they got a cannon I have no idea).

BOTG: Coach Leach what have you been doing since moving on from Texas Tech?

Leach: Moving on. I like that. I wasn’t fired. They couldn’t fire me, because I quit.

BOTG: So you’ve been…

Leach: Oh yes, right matey, I’ve been sailing the ocean blue, partying like it’s 1492.

BOTG: What about you Ruffin? Should you even be here? I mean you still work with Texas Tech

Leach: DON’T YOU SAY THAT NAME AROUND HERE!!!

BOTG: What? Tech?

Leach: YOU WANNA WALK THE PLANK??? (as he unsheathes his sword, I’m not certain it’s even a real sword)

BOTG: Ok, ok. Seriously though, Ruffin, what are you doing here?

McNeill: I’ve been hanging around here with Mike. If you watched the Alamo Bowl you would know how loyal I am to coach Leach, I’d follow him anywhere, including Pirate Island. I took it hard when that school in Lubbock picked Tommy Tuberville over me, it seriously thwarted our plan.

Leach: A truly genius plan mate.

McNeill: When I took over as head coach my first move would be to appoint Leach offensive coordinator. My second move would be to feed Adam James to the sharks. A flawless plan if I do say so myself…

BOTG: What about [Tech Athletic Director] Gerald Myers? I doubt he would sign off on that.

Leach: Audible, second move, feed Gerald to the sharks. Then James…

BOTG: Where are you going to get sharks in Lubbock?

Leach: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH AHOY SHIVER ME TIMBERS SWAB THE DECK WALK THE PLANK WHERES ME PARROT YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.

BOTG: I want my gunpowder back.

Final Notes: Leach really thinks he's a pirate.

NFL Playoffs: Things are about to get hot!

2010-01-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

Published January 16th 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN and GORDON TAYLOR

January football is great, it brings to mind the players fighting across the frozen tundra of Lambeau, the trajectory changing gales in the Meadowlands, and the glory of game-winning field goals ripping through a snowstorm in Foxboro. Not, domed stadiums stifling players via raucous screaming and heat.

Three of this weekend's four NFL playoff games will be housed in domes, and the fourth is being played in balmy San Diego. BRRRR! Not once this weekend will we see the players’ breath, snow, or a shot of some fat guy's head emitting steam as Fox cuts to commercial break. In lieu of this, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has mandated all players, coaches, and personnel wear NFL approved parkas, ski caps, gloves, galoshes (and whatever else they're trying to sell) in order for NFL Gear’s winter line get's its proper due.

That's right, you'll see Peyton Manning and Phillip Rivers donning team beanies and coffin coats. Trainers waddling onto the field like the little brother from A Christmas Story to aid fallen players. Don't be surprised if every coach is sporting a team hoodie with cut-off sleeves up to the elbow to channel their inner Belichick.

Well, enough of the good stuff. It's pick time!

Cardinals (10-6) at Saints (13-3) Saturday 4:30 EST

Chris: The House of the Rising Sun vs The people of the Sun. If those two songs had a fight which would win? RAGE. Cardinals all the way baby! The saints downward spiral began in NOLA at the hands of a struggling Cowboys team and they haven't seemed to recover since that loss. I don't think the week off helped them and as much as I love the hometown hero Drew Brees, I'm not sure the rest of this team is ready to step up and game with The People of the Sun.

Gordon: Everyone thinks this is going to be an arena football mash up with 150 points put on the board. Let me say this, I don't like Kurt Warner. I don't like Kurt Warner's Wife. However, behind every successful man is a strong woman and following each loss Warner has come into work the next day with a black eye from falling down the stairs. He has fallen down the stairs a bunch lately... he's so clumsy! So, Warner will win out of fear of his "stairs". Spousal abuse is no laughing matter. Cards run away with this one... from Warner's wife.

Ravens (9-7) at Colts (14-2) Saturday 8:15 EST

Chris: You know how the NCAA forces teams caught cheating to forfeit victories from prior seasons? I feel Roger Goodell should do the opposite and force the Colts to exchange their duo of no-shows for victories. By all means, they are undefeated and the only people who got cheated here were the fans. Even after the shellacking of The Phantom Patriots last week I don't buy the Ravens as being a Super Bowl team so I'm going with The Ponies. It will be closer than Indy would like but that's the price you pay for not playing your starters for a month.

Gordon: Staying on the strong woman topic, wouldn't every college player be a first rounder if Sandra Bullock was their mom? Shoot, she's nominated for two golden globes IN THE SAME CATEGORY. Think about it Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, that's good stock. Couldn't you see Sandra Bullock and Michael Oher taking over the McNabb's stronghold on the Cambell's Thick and Hearty commercials? On the other side is Peyton Manning and his laser-rocket arm. To top it off, he's The Pitch Man. This a battle of two offensive heavyweights, Manning and the two headed Oher/Bullock beast (they're not only physically gifted but sassy too!), unfortunately only one of them gets to hold the ball. I pick Manning and the Colts to slay the two headed beast!

Cowboys (11-5) at Vikings (12-4) Sunday 1:00 EST

Chris: This game will come down to which quarterback is less of a jackass at crucial moments. Don't get me wrong both have been great this season, but I really don't trust Brett Favre when the pressure is on. Perhaps it was the throw he parachuted into the Eagles secondary during the 2004-2005 NFC Championship game, oh did I mention this was in Packers territory in OVERTIME? As much of a legend as he is, I feel he's going to cost his team the game and, as much as I cringe at saying this, the Cowboys will capture their second playoff game during the lives of every 15-year-old worldwide.

Gordon: I see this going one way, Cowboys in overtime. Favre, thinking he's in a Wranglers commercial, offends the karma gods by winning the toss and saying, "We want the ball, and we're going to score." Unfortunately this has been done, and it failed before. (BTW what people don't know is that the last pass thrown in that Wranglers commercial was intercepted for six. True Story)

Jets (9-7) at Chargers (13-3) Sunday 4:40 EST

Chris: This game feels like an NFL version of The Bad News Bears to me. A hapless team has two opponents forfeit (too few players in Indy) the last games of the season to make the playoffs and then goes on an improbable run to beat a pretty sound rival and get a shot at an AFC juggernaut. Couple the star appeal of Mark Sanchez with the return of the prodigal son to California and you have a movie where an alcoholic coach, who hasn't shaved in two weeks, somehow brings his kids together to win in an (yes I'm using the same adjective twice! Improbable is a staple in the sports film genre) improbable fashion. I can see Phillip Rivers and Norv Turner angrily leaving the field as things turn sour while the remaining Chargers and refs chase the foul-mouthed Braylon Edwards around a Japan baseball field. However, this isn't a movie and Walter Matthau is dead so I'm going with Norv Turner and The Lightning Thieves.

Gordon: This is a tale of two quarterbacks. In San Diego we have the surly, sultry, sultan of QB rating in Phillip Rivers. On the other hand we have the dashing, debonair, defense relying quarterback Mark Sanchez. Alliteration aside, this race is too sexy to call. But Chris making me, so I take Rivers because it's been reported, by me, that Sanchez is demanding a trade to Seattle so he can one up Pete Carroll in the "Team Abandonment" at the ESPYs.

Final Note: Barely got this one in!

Breaking News: Texas Tech Coach Fired

2010-01-15T09:20:00.001-08:00

By GORDON TAYLOR

Published - January 15, 2010

Apparently Mike Leach was fired as Texas Tech’s football coach. Did anyone else not know this? We can’t believe ESPN dropped the ball and didn’t mention anything before, during, or after the Valero Alamo Bowl….

As big time fans of The Pirate (He’s like the Johnny Depp of D1 Football!), we’re outraged by the situation. I mean how could Texas Tech release him into this economic climate?

Fear not Mike, the crack staff at BOTG has compiled a list of positions for someone with your talent. Seven foot splits between linemen? Passing 74 times a game? Not playing defense? Revolutionary.

The first is potential fit is obvious, AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRkansas. Sure Bobby Petrino is the incumbent, but come on! The Razorbacks required overtime to beat East Carolina in the Liberty Bowl, and not the 2008 East Carolina team who beat Virginia Tech and West Virginia, but the lame 2009 version that sent coach Skip Holtz running to South Florida. We’re sure that as Petrino is reading this, he can feel the heat rising… or the plank being extended.

With Skippy gone, the East Carolina job is vacant. Seriously Mike, don’t wait for them to call, take the initiative like you with Washington last year. We’re sure East Carolina would be cool if you showed up on their doorstep looking for an interview. However, we’re not as confident (but still kind of confident) that, like Washington, EC would even listen to what you have to say. Want more incentive? East Carolina’s mascot is the Pirates. What do we call this in the sporting world? Destiny.

Perhaps dealing with kids (and their griping parents) isn’t your cup of tea anymore. University student-athletes are tough to deal with. Think about it, between class and chubby little girlfriends, there is no time left for a coach and the valuable lessons he might bestow upon such impressionable young gentlemen. Maybe the NFL is the next place for Leach…

It has been reported, by me, that Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is interested in acquiring Mike Leach’s offensive services (as both an offensive genius and offensive human (GT is on fire!)).

“It would be a tremendous honor to join coaching legends such as Art Shell and Lane Kiffin. With myself, Captain Long John Leach, at the helm and legendary arm of first mate Jamarcus Russell (even if he’s 6 of 74) the Raiders could be Super Bowl contenders,” Leach said, “[Expletive] with Darren McFadden I could finally try out this crazy wildcat thing.”

Mike, we hope this helps. If these openings don’t shake out just know the staff at BOTG is pulling for you. That reminds me, have you considered a career change? Correction officers have the keys to all the cells and storage/electric closets and total control.

Happy hunting.

Final Note: Gordon is shipping out to Tortuga Isle for an exclusive interview with Leach and his new assistant Captain Barbosa.

Rumors: Muschamp to UT

2010-01-13T20:36:00.000-08:00

Wait, he's already there?

Tennessee should hire Leach or Mangino, I heard they're available head coaches.

McGwire comes clean, Canseco remains confused...

2010-01-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

While Mark McGwire has made the media rounds today clearing his conscious, his former Bash Brother in Oakland, Jose Canseco, remains confused about the validity of such claims.

Amidst the controversy is former coach and current boss Tony La Russa who claimed to have no knowledge of McGwire using steroids before this Monday.

McGwire made sure to voice his concerns surrounding the quotes from La Russa and Canseco stating,

"There are some things here that are so ridiculous, and so disrespectful for the public and the media to believe. I just can't believe it. I'm in total shock. These guys remind me of politicians that go up and just lie to the public and expect to get elected."

At this point nothing involving McGwire, Canseco, or any baseball player from the Nineties should come as a surprise. Would anyone call Canseco a liar if Carrot Top came out and claimed that Canseco is mistaking his injections of McGwire for another red headed celebrity?

Final Note: Who cares at this point? The only people I feel sorry for in the entire situation are the baseball players of the steroid era who didn't jump on the boat. Btw, yes that is Boy George in the picture certifying the photo's veracity.

USC To Get The Axe?

2010-01-12T11:37:00.000-08:00

Rumor on the street is that USC was about to be closely investigated by the NCAA for rule infractions involving recruitment, among other things, essentially pushing Pete Carroll out the door.

Whether or not there was cheating involved, the entire situation smells. We've seen too many programs (read: Tech, Kansas) have Come to Jesus type seasons this year and coaches get pushed out for reasons that might not even incur the same penalties sanctified cheating would incur.

I wish they had the Cheaters crew on hand when news came in, for whichever side made the decision, for Carroll to leave. Would have been awesome to see the way that whole event went down between Carroll and Mike Garrett.

Final Note: Good luck to Pete in Seattle, after his first two forays into the NFL he's going to need it.

It's Official: Pete Carroll To Seattle

2010-01-11T17:52:00.000-08:00

No longer mere rumors, Pete Carroll is heading back to the NFL via Seattle to join former players David Kirtman and Lofa Tatupu. While USC Fans are most likely not happy with the move, Seattle fans should be ecstatic with their new pickup.

However, the big story no one is mentioning here (well aside from the issue of an NCAA investigation) is what Mark Sanchez thinks following Carroll's media tongue lashing last year after Sanchez declared for the draft. I wonder if, after a year in the big leagues, Sanchez thinks Carroll is ready for a return to the show?

At the end of the day though, the real question is whether or not Carroll will be able to fill the void of Seahawk's former coach Mike Holmgren. And trust me, that's no easy task.

Urban Meyer: The Controvery Continues

2010-01-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

No doubt the Urban Meyer spectacle caught many off-guard. After all, who would have suspected the, arguably, best coach in CFB to retire? The media firestorm and quotes from his wife created even more confusion creating a swirl of information that may or may not be true.

Whatever the case, the latest rumors of our Gainesville will definitely tarnish Urban's image more-so than anything we've heard thus far. In fact, if rumors of Meyer's affair with a 23-year-old student are confirmed you can bet coaches of all shapes and sizes will come off looking pretty good.

All seriousness aside, is the co-ed in question really a mystery?

Final Note: I doubt this is true, Urban's had his fair share of issues lately and this would be over the top. However, following Tigergate would anybody be surprised by anything these days? Hopefully no text messages like this emerge.

Alabama BCS Championship Trophy On Display at Wal-Mart

2010-01-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

You can't make this stuff up (and yes I realize it's the Coaches Trophy but the crystal ball is synonymous with national title). While I applaud the University of Alabama for fulfilling their sponsorship obligations this is beyond comical. To celebrate, I found some pictures taken earlier today from Tuscaloosa showing Saban with some happy fans.

Dont' judge, you'd be excited too if your school just won the BCS.

I would be suspicious too

His WoW character is named "Ingraminous"

"Honey if Saban don't smile then I don't smile"

Final Note: Not a terrible idea, much easier to show up at a Wal-Mart parking lot than someone on a campus with parking issues.

Mr. Saban does not smile.

National BCS Game: The Hangover

2010-01-08T16:04:00.000-08:00

Where to start? Last night's National Championship game was possibly the biggest let down of my tenure (aka life) as a sports fan. Who, from a sporting perspective, doesn’t feel cheated following the phantom injury? While I hate to go Full Leinart here and use his post loss go-to, I honestly believe Texas was “the better team”. Unfortunately there is no way to prove this. The loss of Colt McCoy completely shifted the attitude of not only Texas, but this game. Texas fans will be left thinking "What if?" FOR-EH-VOR, Sandlot style.Think of Steven Seagal’s role in Executive Decision… how different would that film had been had his misunderstood yet lovable character, Lt. Colonel Austin Travis, not been killed off early in the story? It feels as if some marketing guys got the nation involved through a bunch of build up with Colt in the previews only to have him make a short cameo and then turn the film into a Zach Braff coming of age/despondent love flick (btw, how can the guy who basically wrote Scrubs come up with films like Garden State and The Last Kiss?) where the good guy makes a run at the girl but ultimately comes up short.

So, since this game was heartbreaking yet numbing at the same time I’m going to refrain from attempting to write anything meaningful and instead do what writers do when they’re lazy and comment on other people’s work via quote meshing! In the spirit of Rose Bowl week I’m also only using quotes from The Hangover to describe the ebb and flow of the wackiest (sic worst) National Championship in memory. (BTW I would like to point out that if The Hangover was remade with a sports cast, Nick Saban would have to play Mr. Chow. It’s too perfect to pass up.)
• “NOT UP IN HERE!” How many Texas fans shouted this when Blake Gideon, according to some fans, made another blunder by intercepting the football.
• “Tracy it’s Phil.” “Phil, where the hell are you guys?” “Listen we fucked up. We lost Doug.” The training staff when calling up to Greg Davis.
• “Whose fucking baby is that?” Every person watching the game when we realized Colt McCoy was off the field which segues into…
• “[I don’t know check the collar or something].” Bama fans as Garret Gilbert stepped onto the field.
• “Tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon.” Translation of ESPN pundits speaking pre-game about how it would unfold, i.e. they had no idea.
• “Everyone thinks Mike Tyson is a badass but I think he’s kind of a sweetheart.” The collective voices of viewers across the country in regards to Nick Saban as Alabama took their foot off the pedal followed by...
• “I think he’s mean.” Mack brown on Saban shortly after Trent Richardson’s touchdown with 47 seconds remaining.
• “Not at the table Carlos.” Teammates as Dravannti Johnson excitedly, albeit incorrectly, exclaimed that Alabama got the onside kick.
• “So long, gay boys!” Nick Saban, in his best Mr. Chow voice, at the post-game presser. Could anyone look more pissed at having to speak with reporters?
• “You know I was thinking of getting my bartender’s license.” Kasey Studdard when he learned that Chris Hall has decided to attend Bible School instead of playing in the NFL.
• “Do you know if this hotel is pager friendly?” I got nothing, this is just funny.

In all seriousness, congrats Bama. You guys won and it is what it is, but don't be upset when the media begins putting an asterisk on a game you supposedly won in December.

Final Note: This morning I received an Amber Alert via text as such, “*AMBER ALERT* - Little girl, last seen in Pasadena, CA. Wearing white jersey with number 12 on it and complaining of shoulder pain. Maybe headed to Texas.” Stay classy America, stay classy.