Tiger Woods "I am not a role model"

Published January 17, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

Tiger Woods is slated to speak out for the first time since his car troubles Friday morning. The normally tight lipped Woods gave a BOTG reporter who was enrolled at the same rehab center (for different reasons) an unprecedented look at a draft of his statement.

“Good morning. I’ll be making a short statement and then opening things up for your questions. You’ll have to excuse my notes, I’m a little nervous. Sarah Palin will never call me the ‘charismatic guy with the teleprompter,’

A few months ago I had a car accident. I was not under the influence of alcohol or any illegal substances. A few days later, word of my transgressions came out. I would first like to take this opportunity to beg my wife for forgiveness apologize to my wife. What I did was understandable for a super athlete like me unforgiveable.

There were hundreds of women I slept with, maybe even thousands, I was getting laid more than Wilt Chamberlain back in his prime. I did cheat on my wife a lot, and for that I’m sorry to my wife, kids, and fans. If that meddling bitch had stayed out of my text messages everything would still be great.

My agent says I need to thank my fans for their understanding. From my fans I ask forgiveness. I guess, I really don’t care. Please keep in mind that I’m a human, and I make mistakes. If you consider having sex with numerous numerous women a mistake. That being said I hate cherish my role as a role model, and don’t care to hope to regain people’s trust.

As far as my sponsors go: you’ve already made me more money than I know what to do with. Seriously, I was throwing thousands of dollars at all these women. I hope to restore the Tiger Woods name, and make you all proud to be affiliate with me again. I’m going to keep throwing clubs and cursing on camera, but I promise that all my future infidelities under wraps. If you think about it, I did a pretty good job, I’ve been cheating on Elin since day three of our marriage, and it just NOW came out.

My time at the Bunny Ranch Pine Grove Rehab Center in Nevada Mississippi was a great experience. I spent my days having sex with multiple hookers simultaneously in group therapy learning tantra self control. I’mthe same a changed man.

I’m the same a changed man. I’m looking forward to hitting on waitresses, bartenders, flight attendants, anything that’s not my wife the course again soon.