Rick Pitino to Jersey Shore

Published February 15, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

There may be mutual interest between Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino and the New Jersey Nets after all. Pitino denied any such interest to the saps at ESPN, but to BOTG he said a deal was “imminent” and that we needed to keep our mouths shut, capisce?

Soon to be Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov said there was never any doubt that Pitino was his man.

“In mother Russia we look for a man like Reek for leadership. In my veellage Reek would control all of the vodka and potatoes,” Prokhorov said in a heavy Russian accent. “Except if someone tried to extort me there wouldn’t be any authorities involved… If you catch my drift.”

Pitino explained to us off the record (something that matters little to us) why he is denying his interest.

“The job doesn’t open up until April, I tell you now that I’m interested, and boom, I’m a lame duck coach and we start losing; and let me tell you this, losing coaches don’t get to have sex in restaurants after hours,” Pitino explained.

Pitino has gone as far as to contact the “Jersey Shore” creators with interest in making appearances on the show.

“Hey, I’ll be in the area. I think it’ll be great,” Pitino said of the Shore. “First thing I’m going to do is lay down a full court press to get Snookie on a table.”

Pitino, a member of the Italian American sports hall of fame, is still unsure about nicknames for the show, but is kicking around ideas.

“There’s already a ‘Situation’ and ‘J-wow.’ I could be ‘Rowdy Rick’ or ‘Pitino the Pipe Layer.’ It’s a work in progress. All I know is that I want to be involved with such a good group of young Italian Americans.” Pitino said.

Final Note: MTV could do wonders with Pitino and Sooki both on board.

Gilbert Arenas to "regain trust of children"

Published February 4, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

Gilbert Arenas, fresh off his plea bargain and suspension is determined to do right by the children of America.

“I intend to regain the trust that children used to have in me,” Arenas said.

When interviewing children about their trust in Arenas, BOTG found that the majority of kids who live outside Washington D.C. have no idea who Arenas is. One kid actually confused Gilbert Arenas with Gilbert Gottfried, the voice of the AFLAC duck.

“I don’t trust that AFLAC duck at all,” the child said. When told that Gilbert Arenas was not the voice of the duck, but a gun toting basketball player the child asked, “don’t all basketball players have guns and come from the hood?”

It turns out the child was the son of former Kansas basketball coach Mark Mangino.

Arenas remains undeterred.

“Agent Zero is a straight shooter,” Arenas said. “Wait, I didn’t shoot anyone, I’m a straight aimer. I’m going to regain the trust of the youth of America through non-violence, which won’t be hard considering I didn’t actually shoot anyone.”

Final Note: Cementing the fact that Gilbert Arenas is from another planet was the quote, "I mean, honestly, if I was going to attack someone it would be with the needler. That shit is annoying and you can't get away from it!" True that.