The Drew Bledsoe Effect: how Mike Holmgren will turn Brady Quinn into an NFL quarterback

Published March 3rd, 2010

In his first move as football czar for the Cleveland Browns, Mike Holmgren is making waves.

The Former Seattle Seahawks/current Wally the Walrus look alike announced today that the Browns are bringing Drew Bledsoe out of retirement.

“The guy is a nurturer,” Holmgren said. “Look at the kids who come up from under him: [Tony] Romo and [Tom] Brady. Those guys backed him up and now look; both Pro Bowlers. I’m pretty sure this will get Brady Quinn on track,” Holmgren added. “It’s called the Drew Bledsoe Effect.”

Bledsoe didn’t come cheap, Holmgren had to outbid Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, who had a similar plan for Bledsoe to nurture his own embattled quarterback, Jamarcus Russell.

“We don’t want Drew [Bledsoe] coming in until the first week of the season,” Holmgren said. “We don’t want him conditioned or prepared at all,” Holmgren continued. “I’m not saying I want him unprepared and to get hurt, but I’m not NOT saying that.”

Holmgren was eager to dismiss those who think he’s running Bledsoe out to be seriously injured.

“We’re shooting for a broken sternum, or arm, or leg, not a collapsed lung or paralysis,” Holmgren said. “Nothing life threatening, but serious enough to get Brady [Quinn] in there.”

Holmgren was also quick to dispel any quarterback controversy rumors.

“Brady [Quinn] will take snaps with the first team offense during the preseason, and hopefully by halftime of the opener nature will have run its course and the Drew Bledsoe Effect will have come to fruition,” Holmgren explained.

Quinn is excited about Holmgren’s commitment to making him better.

“This is so freaking sweet,” Quinn said. “I can go from the buffest backup quarterback in the league to the buffest Super Bowl winning quarterback. Tom Brady may have to handsome devil market cornered, but I’ll grab the jacked quarterback market and never let go. EAS is going to be pumped, like me. God I’m so freaking ripped,” Quinn said.

Breaking News: Dwight Freeney is a Hall of Famer

Published February 1, 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN

While waiting on results from a second MRI, Indianapolis Colts Defensive End Dwight Freeney received news of a secret placement in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

"I was just sitting on my couch watching Big Bang Theory, I'm usually playing or watching Peyton [Manning] and The Regasaur [Wayne] practice Monday nights so I have to binge watch it on TiVo, when my phone started blowing up," said Freeney.

Freeney's iPhone was lambasted with over 430 text updates from Twitter and Facebook updates congratulating the star on the career achievement award shortly after Bob Pecosi leaked the news during a Sports Center Update on ESPN Radio earlier this morning.

According to Freeney, the only phone calls he received three total phone calls during the entire episode as he scrambled to hit pause on his TiVo and go to wikipedia so that he may verify the veracity of Pecosi's claim.

"Thank the big man upstairs I was able to get an iPad," said Freeney, "Without it I would have had to have gotten off the couch and hobbled around on my bad ankle. You shoulda seen those mothers at Best-Buy the other day, it felt like I was playing against my fellow Hall of Famer Bruce Matthews or something trying to wind in an out of the aisles. I must have thrown six or seven, wait no, at least 12 spin moves to beat them to an iPad. Crazy man..."

Freeney went on to state that the phone calls came from Hall of Fame Chairman Gabriel Thurman, who called to let Freeney know if it was true that he had secretly be introduced into the HOF (the answer was, for some unknown reason, stated as a question when Thurman said, "What is "no" Dwight?), NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell, who told Freeney that an investigation into this was imminent and, "That if Adam Jones is involved in this in any way you're going down", and Terry Bradshaw who apparently called to see if Freeney had recorded the latest Frank Caliendo Show.

While the announcement appears to be a miscue on Pecosi's behalf(Pecosi admitted to reading an old Sports Illustrated earlier this morning while waiting in a doctors office lauding Freeney's ability and the Colt's defense and became confused), Freeney has not given up hope that he has become the first modern NFL player to become a Hall of Fame member before he has retired.

"Those were the worst [expletive] calls I've seen in a long time ... To have an event of that magnitude taken out of your hands, it's just disgusting. It's not like they made one [expletive] bad call -- it's two calls, in the morning ... They need to start investigating some other [expletive]."

Breaking News: Texas Tech Coach Fired

By GORDON TAYLOR

Published - January 15, 2010

Apparently Mike Leach was fired as Texas Tech’s football coach. Did anyone else not know this? We can’t believe ESPN dropped the ball and didn’t mention anything before, during, or after the Valero Alamo Bowl….

As big time fans of The Pirate (He’s like the Johnny Depp of D1 Football!), we’re outraged by the situation. I mean how could Texas Tech release him into this economic climate?

Fear not Mike, the crack staff at BOTG has compiled a list of positions for someone with your talent. Seven foot splits between linemen? Passing 74 times a game? Not playing defense? Revolutionary.

The first is potential fit is obvious, AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRkansas. Sure Bobby Petrino is the incumbent, but come on! The Razorbacks required overtime to beat East Carolina in the Liberty Bowl, and not the 2008 East Carolina team who beat Virginia Tech and West Virginia, but the lame 2009 version that sent coach Skip Holtz running to South Florida. We’re sure that as Petrino is reading this, he can feel the heat rising… or the plank being extended.

With Skippy gone, the East Carolina job is vacant. Seriously Mike, don’t wait for them to call, take the initiative like you with Washington last year. We’re sure East Carolina would be cool if you showed up on their doorstep looking for an interview. However, we’re not as confident (but still kind of confident) that, like Washington, EC would even listen to what you have to say. Want more incentive? East Carolina’s mascot is the Pirates. What do we call this in the sporting world? Destiny.

Perhaps dealing with kids (and their griping parents) isn’t your cup of tea anymore. University student-athletes are tough to deal with. Think about it, between class and chubby little girlfriends, there is no time left for a coach and the valuable lessons he might bestow upon such impressionable young gentlemen. Maybe the NFL is the next place for Leach…

It has been reported, by me, that Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is interested in acquiring Mike Leach’s offensive services (as both an offensive genius and offensive human (GT is on fire!)).

“It would be a tremendous honor to join coaching legends such as Art Shell and Lane Kiffin. With myself, Captain Long John Leach, at the helm and legendary arm of first mate Jamarcus Russell (even if he’s 6 of 74) the Raiders could be Super Bowl contenders,” Leach said, “[Expletive] with Darren McFadden I could finally try out this crazy wildcat thing.”

Mike, we hope this helps. If these openings don’t shake out just know the staff at BOTG is pulling for you. That reminds me, have you considered a career change? Correction officers have the keys to all the cells and storage/electric closets and total control.

Happy hunting.

Final Note: Gordon is shipping out to Tortuga Isle for an exclusive interview with Leach and his new assistant Captain Barbosa.

It's Official: Pete Carroll To Seattle

No longer mere rumors, Pete Carroll is heading back to the NFL via Seattle to join former players David Kirtman and Lofa Tatupu. While USC Fans are most likely not happy with the move, Seattle fans should be ecstatic with their new pickup.

However, the big story no one is mentioning here (well aside from the issue of an NCAA investigation) is what Mark Sanchez thinks following Carroll's media tongue lashing last year after Sanchez declared for the draft. I wonder if, after a year in the big leagues, Sanchez thinks Carroll is ready for a return to the show?

At the end of the day though, the real question is whether or not Carroll will be able to fill the void of Seahawk's former coach Mike Holmgren. And trust me, that's no easy task.