In an effort to bolster their often lackluster pitching staff, Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan announced the acquisition of Henry Rowengartner in a nine year 171 million dollar contract. Rowengartner was last seen leading the Chicago Cubs to the 1993 World Series title winning the “Rookie of the Year” award along the way.
When asked if he was aware that the then 12 year old Rowengartner is in fact now 29 year old Thomas Ian Nicholas Ryan said, “The kid throws 100 miles an hour. He is going to keep the hitters off balance by establishing the heater, and then mixing in the hot stinky cheese.”
Ryan also plans to use Rowengartner/Nicholas on the base paths on days he does not pitch. “He is a pitcher’s worst nightmare. Imagine looking in for a sign and having the base runner inundate you with taunts such as ‘pitcher’s got a big butt’,” Ryan said, "The kid is fearless."
Rowengartner/Nicholas’s contract makes him the highest paid pitcher in the league, but according to GM Jon Daniels the Rangers got a “great value.”
“In Rowengartner we get a kid who has a championship pedigree. He took the Cubs to the World Series, and won. He has a bulldog mentality, the courage he showed against the Mets with a hurt arm is astonishing. Henry is not just a thrower, he is a pitcher. Even when he doesn’t have his best stuff he gets outs. Just ask [imaginary New York Mets slugger] Hedo about Henry’s floater,” Daniels said.
No word yet on whether or not the Rangers have contacted Chet Steadman/Gary Busey to mentor Rowengartner/Nicholas, but a clearly inebriated Gary Busey indicated he would be interested in the position.
“Everyone knows Chet Steadman is the real ‘Rocket’. I’d be a wonderfulnificent mentor to Henry. Unlike Roger [Clemens], I’ve never taken a drug in my life,” Busey said
Nicholas is set to report with pitchers and catchers February 18.
Final Thought: Gary Busey is crazy and will eventually spin right off the planet.
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