NFL Draft First Round Recap

Fact: Under current Commissioner Roger Gooddell all televised NFL events must have a 24 hour tape delay in case Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson somehow get on camera simultaneously. Lucky for us Gordon ran into one of their junior editors at a Sizzler and they hit it up... if you're picking up what I'm putting down. Needless to say, I'm not allowed to disclose how we were able to watch the entire first round of the NFL draft (airing tonight) but I think most of you can figure it out.

1. Rams

Smart money: QB Sam Bradford.

Actual pick: Trade down to Pittsburgh, take Uncle Rico in later rounds.

Says general manager Elroy Hirsch "Says general manager Elroy Hirsch, "Have you seen the film on this guy? He's pro-day tapes are off the charts. $@& he threw a football over some mountains... that's beyond anything Michael Vick ever produced for Powerade. Rico may have an unconventional release, but we're confident that things would have been different had coach put him in at state."

1A. Steelers (Acquired from Rams for Ben Sexual Assaultlesberger and first round pick)

Says former head coach Bill Cowher, "The Rooney's always hinted at.... no they flat out told me they were looking to develop a "new breed" of quarterback. I'm pretty confident they're going to put Sam's head and legs on Byron's arms and torso and call it Syron Brussle... at least the abomination won't have Ben's dick to get it in trouble with."

2. Lions

Smart money: DT Ndamukong Suh

Actual pick: DT Ndamukong Suh

Says head coach Jim Schwartz "His name means house of spears right? he has to be able to throw better than Stafford. We've got our franchise quarterback."

3. Buccaneers

Smart money: DT Gerald McCoy

Actual pick: snafu in the war room causes the bucs to take Colt McCoy... Says head coach Raheem Morris "What the hell? can't be any worse than Josh Freeman, right?"

4. Redskins

Smart money: OT Russell Okung

Actual Pick: Tim Tebow.

Says new head coach Mike Shanahan "I can make anyone a running back, I'm going to take a system quarterback and turn him into a system running back."

5. Chiefs

Smart money: S Eric Berry

Actual pick: Dr. Oz.

Says GM Scott Pioli "We hope that Dr. Oz won't botch Charlie Weis' next lap band procedure."

6. Seahawks

Smart money: OT Trent Williams

Actual pick: Jonathan Moxon (West Canaan Coyotes)

Says head coach/GM Pete Carroll, "Mox is a bright kid from the Ivy League with a cannon arm. He got an effin 50 on the Wunderlich for [Pete's]sake, this is the life everyone dreamed for him and he's got the NFL pedigree after playing under coaching legend Jon Voight."

7. Browns

Smart money: DT Dan Williams

Actual pick: Concealed handgun license instructor for NT Shaun Rogers.

Says head coach Eric Mangini "In this economy we can't take a defensive tackle at 7, but we can swing the fees for gun safety classes."

8. Raiders

Smart money: QB Jimmy Clausen

Actual pick: QB JaMarcus Russell

Says owner Al Davis, "The kid deserves another chance so we're forgoing our pick to spend first round money resigning JaMarcus another 3 years.... plus he's black which means he's got better football instincts."

9. Bills

Smart money: OT Bryan Bulaga

Actual Pick: Trade down to Arizona for Matt Leinart and first round pick.

Says head coach Dick Jauron "We heard that Leinart was really good at changing out game tapes, and we just lost our head film guy so it fits... plus I heard he likes to party, figured we'd initiate him into family by taking him to a Mounty Show up on one of those crazy Canadian border towns."

9A. Arizona Cardinals:

Smart money: OT Bryan Bulaga

Actual pick: Incumbent John McCain who is in a tough battle for the United States Senate.

Says owner Bill Bidwell: "I'm an NFL owner, I'm republican, what did you expect?"

10. Jaguars

Smart money: WR Dez Bryant

Actual pick: Deion Sanders

Says head coach Jack Del Rio: "We figured, why not cut out the middle man? Deion was mentoring Dez. Hell, our defense sure could use one more player who can't tackle. Primetime Baby!"

Around the Horn Transcript: Yeah, we got people on the inside

Note: We accidentally received this memo which was meant for the staff of Around the Horn. It seems like a great window into how show content is developed at ESPN.

MLB Around the Horn

It’s baseball season folks, and though we’re only a few days into the season news is percolating around the league. Here are some of the headlines to look forward to in the first of our 24 to 28 part series throughout the season.

National League

Pittsburgh Pirates- Not much brewing for the Pirates this year, Andrew McCutchen will be a bright spot this year.

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez makes 33 million dollars, The Pittsburgh Pirates make 35. Awesome.

San Francisco Giants- The Giants doled out some serious money for their pitching staff in the offseason.

On another note, it’s going to be hard to slim down third baseman Pablo Sandoval when Tim Lincecum is constantly eating Twinkies and Cool Ranch Doritos on account of the munchies.

Atlanta Braves- This season is manager Bobby Cox’s farewell tour…

Will it be a victory lap? No, but on the bright side we can expect at least 90 ejections this season. What are they going to do? Fire him?

Philadelphia Phillies- The defending NL champs made a big splash acquiring pitcher Roy Halladay.

Has anyone else noticed that he looks EXACTLY like the guy from "The Burbs"?

Colorado Rockies- The Rocks are a trendy pick to make the World Series this season.

This raises a few questions… Who’s their staff ace? Isn’t Todd Helton at least 73 years old? Can anyone tell me why their mascot is a triceratops?

Milwaukee Brewers-

Prince Fielder, still fat.

American League

Texas Rangers- Ron Washington admitted to testing positive for cocaine this spring.

Is this really the guy you want in charge of Josh Hamilton? He reminds me of Dave Chapelle in the Red Ball Commercial.

Chicago White Sox- Pitcher Mark Buehrle made a spectacular defensive play to start the season.

To which manager Ozzie Guillen said, “Dat play? Dat play was a piece of shit. Dis isn’t freaking soccer, Dat play was more queer than [Chicago Tribune writer] Jay Mariotti.”

Tampa Bay Rays- The window for opportunity may be shutting for the Rays with much of their young talent up for grabs at the end of this season.

Manager Joe Maddon (and his uber hip glasses) is not phased, he can be found at local coffee shops poaching free wi-fi and pecking away at his novella.

Seattle Mariners- The Mariners signed pitcher Cliff Lee and surly outfielder/board game creator Milton Bradley in hopes of escaping the cellar.

Will it pan out? Who knows? Bradley (who was happy to escape racism in Chicago) has already been quoted as saying he “refuses to take orders from a Chinaman,” in regards to manager Don Wakamatsu, who is not Chinese.

Cleveland Indians- Pitcher Kerry Wood is starting the season on the disabled list.

Really? What else is new? Is that even newsworthy? That would be like printing “oxygen= important,” “Britney Spears Crazy,” or “Kirstie Alley Hungry” on the front page of the paper. The fact that the Indians are paying Wood 10 million explains the tribe in a nutshell.

Baltimore Orioles-

There is still a team in Baltimore, they have uniforms and everything.