The SEC now stands for So Extra Careful.

Published January 27, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

SEC officials announced Wednesday that it was fining the South Carolina Gamecocks 25,000 dollars for allowing the student body to storm the court following the Gamecock victory of number the number one Kentucky Wildcats.

The fine was higher because the Gamecocks are repeat offenders.

“We can’t have kids storming courts,” Former Cornell athletic Director and current SEC commissioner Mike Silve said. “The floor gets scuffed up.”

Kentucky coach John Calipari stands behind the SEC’s decision.

“I’ve always championed rules and regulations, the SEC rule [on court storming] is clear, as are the Conference USA and Atlantic 10’s rules on not taking SATs for students are clear.”

South Carolina Raymond Harrison was bewildered with the decision.

“It’s not like we have a lot to celebrate anyway,” Harrison said.

The SEC is said to be looking into rule changes regarding crowd behavior following basketball games.

“Cutting down the nets is really frowned upon, that’s university property, we’re really working to get rid of that nonsense,” Silve said. “However, we understand that upsets are exciting. Therefore a rule change is in the works that would allow students to storm the court, but first they must take off their shoes.”

Final thought: Chill out SEC.

Urban Meyer to Tim Tebow: I’m Over You

Published January 25, 2010

By: GORDON TAYLOR

Urban Meyer has recently been seen in public, looking alive and well. Meyer gave the Gator faithful a scare following the Sugar Bowl announcing his retirement, reneging, and then requesting an indefinite leave.

A source close to Meyer insists the reason the Gators seemed overwhelmed in the SEC championship against Alabama was because Meyer was grief stricken that Tebow was soon leaving.

“We [the Florida coaching staff] would be studying film and Urban would suddenly put it on pause. I don’t think he was looking at ‘Bama’s defense. I think he was staring longingly into number 15’s eyes,” said a coach who asked not to be revealed when word came out that Meyer was returning. “Urban quit eating, and would just pace around the workout facility mumbling, ‘he’s gone, he’s gone.’”

Then there was the bizarre incident in which Meyer’s wife called 911 (ala Elin Woods), and Meyer was rushed to the hospital (ala Tiger Woods).

“I came home and in all the family portraits, Tim Tebow’s face had replaced mine,” said Meyer’s wife Shelley. “He really hit bottom there, he needed time away.”

Weeks after that bizarre incident, Meyer, who had been too morose to eat, has begun picking up the pieces of his broken heart, started eating again, and has put on 20 pounds. Meyer has also been quoted as saying he is ready to coach spring football for the Gators. The message being:” I’m over your Timothy Tebow. I gave you the best five years of my life, but I’m over you.”

Meyer did reach out to Tebow one last time on the eve of Senior Bowl week, calling Tebow and leaving him a message in which he sang, “beeeee yourseeeelf. Beeeeee yourseeeeeelf,” in regards to Tebow’s upcoming interviews with NFL personnel.

When asked for comment all Tebow could say was, “Creepy.”

Final Note: Where do you play Tebow in the NFL? I feel he would be wasted as a fullback, can't play QB, and am not sure he is big enough to be a tight end. Unless he falls into a team with a prominent Wildcat package, I'm not sure he'll thrive.

NFL Divisional Champnsionship Picks!

Published January 23 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN and GORDON TAYLOR

It’s championship weekend, the last true football Sunday. After Sunday it will be the increasingly irrelevant Pro Bowl, followed by hourly team updates from Rachel Nichols and Wendy Nicks from outside the respective teams’ locker rooms, the “All Madden Team,” and “The Howie Long ‘Tough Guy Team’- they’re built Ford Tough.” Or was it Chevy?

So let’s enjoy this final football Sunday, because after this all that’s left is NBA basketball, though there are rumors that the NHL is still in business.

New York Jets vs. Indianapolis Colts

Gordon: Peyton Manning took Sandra Bullock down, and Mark Sanchez out sexied Philip Rivers. Mark Sanchez now has as many playoff wins as Joe Namath. I predict the Jets win and Sanchez will begin doing panty hose commercials like that Nancy boy Namath did in the 1970s.

Chris: This one is hard to call, as much as I love The Bad News Jets and the ensuing storyline, can they really topple the most lovable figure in all of sports? Defeating Peyton Manning is like taking down Snuggles the bear, except worse because Peyton is human and has a soul! I'm taking the Ponies by 14.

Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints

Gordon: Brett Favre and Brad Childress showed they were cold blooded killas running the score up against Dallas. Reggie Bush and Drew Brees sent Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner home to an angry abusive wife. The difference in this game will be Jared Allen. Look for Allen to dry hump Brees up and down the field, doing his signature dance which is supposed to allude to calf roping, but to me looks like he is winding up a towel so he can pop someone with it.

Chris: This is a very tough call. We have two NFC teams who seemingly limped into the the playoffs only to completely dismantle their opponents. Looks like those by-weeks paid off. I love the game Quick Draw McBrees plays and really, really dislike Captain Choke. However I can't dismiss how complete this Vikings team is, hell their coach looks just like BTK. Now that is cold blooded. The Nords win by 10.

Henry Rowengartner signs lucritive contract with Texas Rangers

Published January 22, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

In an effort to bolster their often lackluster pitching staff, Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan announced the acquisition of Henry Rowengartner in a nine year 171 million dollar contract. Rowengartner was last seen leading the Chicago Cubs to the 1993 World Series title winning the “Rookie of the Year” award along the way.

When asked if he was aware that the then 12 year old Rowengartner is in fact now 29 year old Thomas Ian Nicholas Ryan said, “The kid throws 100 miles an hour. He is going to keep the hitters off balance by establishing the heater, and then mixing in the hot stinky cheese.”

Ryan also plans to use Rowengartner/Nicholas on the base paths on days he does not pitch. “He is a pitcher’s worst nightmare. Imagine looking in for a sign and having the base runner inundate you with taunts such as ‘pitcher’s got a big butt’,” Ryan said, "The kid is fearless."

Rowengartner/Nicholas’s contract makes him the highest paid pitcher in the league, but according to GM Jon Daniels the Rangers got a “great value.”

“In Rowengartner we get a kid who has a championship pedigree. He took the Cubs to the World Series, and won. He has a bulldog mentality, the courage he showed against the Mets with a hurt arm is astonishing. Henry is not just a thrower, he is a pitcher. Even when he doesn’t have his best stuff he gets outs. Just ask [imaginary New York Mets slugger] Hedo about Henry’s floater,” Daniels said.

No word yet on whether or not the Rangers have contacted Chet Steadman/Gary Busey to mentor Rowengartner/Nicholas, but a clearly inebriated Gary Busey indicated he would be interested in the position.

“Everyone knows Chet Steadman is the real ‘Rocket’. I’d be a wonderfulnificent mentor to Henry. Unlike Roger [Clemens], I’ve never taken a drug in my life,” Busey said

Nicholas is set to report with pitchers and catchers February 18.

Final Thought: Gary Busey is crazy and will eventually spin right off the planet.

A Day and night (mostly night) With Matt Leinart

Published January 19, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

The real story of the New Orleans Saints’ rout of the Arizona Cardinals was Arizona backup quarterback Matt Leinart. Leinart was dazzling hitting an array of receivers in his only drive which set up a 50 yard field goal attempt which kicker Neil Rackers left short.
Leinart’s first half heroics are made even more amazing by the fact that he was still buzzed from lunch when he came into the game. Leinart allowed BOTG an all access pass to a normal day in his life.

7:00 A.M- Alarm rings, hit the snooze. Had a long night last night, not feeling weights this morning.

7:13 A.M- Alarm rings for third time. “Damn, I will literally beat the shit out of the person who invented the six minute snooze.” Throw alarm clock across the room shattering it. I may not play much, but I still have a cannon.

11:37 A.M- “Sweet Jesus, what happened to my alarm clock?” No shower, no shave, gurgle some mouth wash (swallow, catch a nice buzz, a great way to start the day).

12:17 P.M- Arrive at Cardinals facility, good thing it’s Monday and meetings don’t start until one. I’m early, look out Kurt [Warner].

12:18 P.M- Fuck, it’s Tuesday. We start putting in the game plan at 10. Coach Whiz [Ken Whisenhunt] is not going to be happy. Looks like I’m clipboard boy for another week.

5 P.M- Leave Cardinals training facility. I didn’t do too much; drank my weight in Gatorade, was feeling a little dehydrated from last night. That was a doozy, it was nothing compared to tonight. Tonight’s going to be tiiight.

8:17 P.M- Phone rings, what the hell? It’s Paris Hilton. No seriously, what the hell? Never again, she’s the league mattress. I will not settle for “Brian Urlacher ass.”

8:30 P.M- Just got to dinner with some friends, some sushi joint, Sake, niiiice. Sushi sucks though, Reginald [Saints running back Reggie Bush] turned me onto it. Some lame ass L.A. thing.

8:34 P.M- Since I’m a celebrity I order weird stuff that’s not on the menu, Nogg-a-sakes all around! I’ll take three. I friggin’ love “The Office”, coach Whiz is so Michael Scott.

10:15 P.M- First bar of the night, some joint called Rula Bula. I try to drink within the theme of the bar. Hmmm, Rula Bula, this is a tough one, sounds tropical Mai Tais maybe? Troy Polamalu made the best Mai Tais, that guy was a wild man.

11:58 P.M- Arrive at Monkey Pants. What the hell is the theme of that place? No more tropical drinks though. I couldn’t have possibly looked any gayer sipping on Mai Tais and Sex on the Beaches at Rula Bula, Especially since it was a pub.

1 A.M- Monkey Pants- 99 bananas, I’ve had 14 shots over the last hour. Good God this stuff is amazing, even better I can put it in my muscle milkshakes, beats swallowing mouthwash.

1:50 A.M- Tempe, Arizona officially blows. Bars close at 2 A.M? Weak.

2:03 A.M- Cab home, don’t drink and drive kids. That’s how Leinart rolls. You know what Leinart sounds like? Lion-heart, I need to talk to my agent about that. Matt Lionheart. Insist on telling cabbie about the fact my Wunderlich Test score was higher than Vince Young’s.

2:07 A.M- Cabbie is pissed, yakked in the backseat, whoops, stupid 99 bananas.

2:33 A.M- Get home, tip the cabbie, set cell phone alarm for 8 A.M. Not missing the Tuesday morning walk through.

3:37 A.M- I wonder what Paris Hilton is up to.

9:15 A.M- Arrive at Cardinals facility early for Tuesday practice set for 10 A.M. still drunk, in need of sleep.
9:16 A.M- Fuck, it’s Wednesday, no practice until one, could have slept it off.

BOTG Exclusive: Interview with Mike Leach

Published January 17, 2009

By GORDON TAYLOR

Greetings from Tortuga Isle, there sure are some big ass turtles here. I’ve tracked down befallen head coach Mike Leach. Unless you’ve been under a rock, or perhaps a gigantic turtle shell, you surely know about Leach, Adam James, and someone’s chubby gal pal. Despite all that has happened I have found Leach and former assistant Ruffin McNeill drinking rum and sword fighting the locals. I was able to trade a barrel of gun powder in exchange for a moment of their time (where they got a cannon I have no idea).

BOTG: Coach Leach what have you been doing since moving on from Texas Tech?

Leach: Moving on. I like that. I wasn’t fired. They couldn’t fire me, because I quit.

BOTG: So you’ve been…

Leach: Oh yes, right matey, I’ve been sailing the ocean blue, partying like it’s 1492.

BOTG: What about you Ruffin? Should you even be here? I mean you still work with Texas Tech

Leach: DON’T YOU SAY THAT NAME AROUND HERE!!!

BOTG: What? Tech?

Leach: YOU WANNA WALK THE PLANK??? (as he unsheathes his sword, I’m not certain it’s even a real sword)

BOTG: Ok, ok. Seriously though, Ruffin, what are you doing here?

McNeill: I’ve been hanging around here with Mike. If you watched the Alamo Bowl you would know how loyal I am to coach Leach, I’d follow him anywhere, including Pirate Island. I took it hard when that school in Lubbock picked Tommy Tuberville over me, it seriously thwarted our plan.

Leach: A truly genius plan mate.

McNeill: When I took over as head coach my first move would be to appoint Leach offensive coordinator. My second move would be to feed Adam James to the sharks. A flawless plan if I do say so myself…

BOTG: What about [Tech Athletic Director] Gerald Myers? I doubt he would sign off on that.

Leach: Audible, second move, feed Gerald to the sharks. Then James…

BOTG: Where are you going to get sharks in Lubbock?

Leach: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH AHOY SHIVER ME TIMBERS SWAB THE DECK WALK THE PLANK WHERES ME PARROT YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM.

BOTG: I want my gunpowder back.

Final Notes: Leach really thinks he's a pirate.

NFL Playoffs: Things are about to get hot!

Published January 16th 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN and GORDON TAYLOR

January football is great, it brings to mind the players fighting across the frozen tundra of Lambeau, the trajectory changing gales in the Meadowlands, and the glory of game-winning field goals ripping through a snowstorm in Foxboro. Not, domed stadiums stifling players via raucous screaming and heat.

Three of this weekend's four NFL playoff games will be housed in domes, and the fourth is being played in balmy San Diego. BRRRR! Not once this weekend will we see the players’ breath, snow, or a shot of some fat guy's head emitting steam as Fox cuts to commercial break. In lieu of this, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has mandated all players, coaches, and personnel wear NFL approved parkas, ski caps, gloves, galoshes (and whatever else they're trying to sell) in order for NFL Gear’s winter line get's its proper due.

That's right, you'll see Peyton Manning and Phillip Rivers donning team beanies and coffin coats. Trainers waddling onto the field like the little brother from A Christmas Story to aid fallen players. Don't be surprised if every coach is sporting a team hoodie with cut-off sleeves up to the elbow to channel their inner Belichick.

Well, enough of the good stuff. It's pick time!

Cardinals (10-6) at Saints (13-3) Saturday 4:30 EST

Chris: The House of the Rising Sun vs The people of the Sun. If those two songs had a fight which would win? RAGE. Cardinals all the way baby! The saints downward spiral began in NOLA at the hands of a struggling Cowboys team and they haven't seemed to recover since that loss. I don't think the week off helped them and as much as I love the hometown hero Drew Brees, I'm not sure the rest of this team is ready to step up and game with The People of the Sun.

Gordon: Everyone thinks this is going to be an arena football mash up with 150 points put on the board. Let me say this, I don't like Kurt Warner. I don't like Kurt Warner's Wife. However, behind every successful man is a strong woman and following each loss Warner has come into work the next day with a black eye from falling down the stairs. He has fallen down the stairs a bunch lately... he's so clumsy! So, Warner will win out of fear of his "stairs". Spousal abuse is no laughing matter. Cards run away with this one... from Warner's wife.

Ravens (9-7) at Colts (14-2) Saturday 8:15 EST

Chris: You know how the NCAA forces teams caught cheating to forfeit victories from prior seasons? I feel Roger Goodell should do the opposite and force the Colts to exchange their duo of no-shows for victories. By all means, they are undefeated and the only people who got cheated here were the fans. Even after the shellacking of The Phantom Patriots last week I don't buy the Ravens as being a Super Bowl team so I'm going with The Ponies. It will be closer than Indy would like but that's the price you pay for not playing your starters for a month.

Gordon: Staying on the strong woman topic, wouldn't every college player be a first rounder if Sandra Bullock was their mom? Shoot, she's nominated for two golden globes IN THE SAME CATEGORY. Think about it Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, that's good stock. Couldn't you see Sandra Bullock and Michael Oher taking over the McNabb's stronghold on the Cambell's Thick and Hearty commercials? On the other side is Peyton Manning and his laser-rocket arm. To top it off, he's The Pitch Man. This a battle of two offensive heavyweights, Manning and the two headed Oher/Bullock beast (they're not only physically gifted but sassy too!), unfortunately only one of them gets to hold the ball. I pick Manning and the Colts to slay the two headed beast!

Cowboys (11-5) at Vikings (12-4) Sunday 1:00 EST

Chris: This game will come down to which quarterback is less of a jackass at crucial moments. Don't get me wrong both have been great this season, but I really don't trust Brett Favre when the pressure is on. Perhaps it was the throw he parachuted into the Eagles secondary during the 2004-2005 NFC Championship game, oh did I mention this was in Packers territory in OVERTIME? As much of a legend as he is, I feel he's going to cost his team the game and, as much as I cringe at saying this, the Cowboys will capture their second playoff game during the lives of every 15-year-old worldwide.

Gordon: I see this going one way, Cowboys in overtime. Favre, thinking he's in a Wranglers commercial, offends the karma gods by winning the toss and saying, "We want the ball, and we're going to score." Unfortunately this has been done, and it failed before. (BTW what people don't know is that the last pass thrown in that Wranglers commercial was intercepted for six. True Story)

Jets (9-7) at Chargers (13-3) Sunday 4:40 EST

Chris: This game feels like an NFL version of The Bad News Bears to me. A hapless team has two opponents forfeit (too few players in Indy) the last games of the season to make the playoffs and then goes on an improbable run to beat a pretty sound rival and get a shot at an AFC juggernaut. Couple the star appeal of Mark Sanchez with the return of the prodigal son to California and you have a movie where an alcoholic coach, who hasn't shaved in two weeks, somehow brings his kids together to win in an (yes I'm using the same adjective twice! Improbable is a staple in the sports film genre) improbable fashion. I can see Phillip Rivers and Norv Turner angrily leaving the field as things turn sour while the remaining Chargers and refs chase the foul-mouthed Braylon Edwards around a Japan baseball field. However, this isn't a movie and Walter Matthau is dead so I'm going with Norv Turner and The Lightning Thieves.

Gordon: This is a tale of two quarterbacks. In San Diego we have the surly, sultry, sultan of QB rating in Phillip Rivers. On the other hand we have the dashing, debonair, defense relying quarterback Mark Sanchez. Alliteration aside, this race is too sexy to call. But Chris making me, so I take Rivers because it's been reported, by me, that Sanchez is demanding a trade to Seattle so he can one up Pete Carroll in the "Team Abandonment" at the ESPYs.

Final Note: Barely got this one in!

Breaking News: Texas Tech Coach Fired

By GORDON TAYLOR

Published - January 15, 2010

Apparently Mike Leach was fired as Texas Tech’s football coach. Did anyone else not know this? We can’t believe ESPN dropped the ball and didn’t mention anything before, during, or after the Valero Alamo Bowl….

As big time fans of The Pirate (He’s like the Johnny Depp of D1 Football!), we’re outraged by the situation. I mean how could Texas Tech release him into this economic climate?

Fear not Mike, the crack staff at BOTG has compiled a list of positions for someone with your talent. Seven foot splits between linemen? Passing 74 times a game? Not playing defense? Revolutionary.

The first is potential fit is obvious, AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRkansas. Sure Bobby Petrino is the incumbent, but come on! The Razorbacks required overtime to beat East Carolina in the Liberty Bowl, and not the 2008 East Carolina team who beat Virginia Tech and West Virginia, but the lame 2009 version that sent coach Skip Holtz running to South Florida. We’re sure that as Petrino is reading this, he can feel the heat rising… or the plank being extended.

With Skippy gone, the East Carolina job is vacant. Seriously Mike, don’t wait for them to call, take the initiative like you with Washington last year. We’re sure East Carolina would be cool if you showed up on their doorstep looking for an interview. However, we’re not as confident (but still kind of confident) that, like Washington, EC would even listen to what you have to say. Want more incentive? East Carolina’s mascot is the Pirates. What do we call this in the sporting world? Destiny.

Perhaps dealing with kids (and their griping parents) isn’t your cup of tea anymore. University student-athletes are tough to deal with. Think about it, between class and chubby little girlfriends, there is no time left for a coach and the valuable lessons he might bestow upon such impressionable young gentlemen. Maybe the NFL is the next place for Leach…

It has been reported, by me, that Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is interested in acquiring Mike Leach’s offensive services (as both an offensive genius and offensive human (GT is on fire!)).

“It would be a tremendous honor to join coaching legends such as Art Shell and Lane Kiffin. With myself, Captain Long John Leach, at the helm and legendary arm of first mate Jamarcus Russell (even if he’s 6 of 74) the Raiders could be Super Bowl contenders,” Leach said, “[Expletive] with Darren McFadden I could finally try out this crazy wildcat thing.”

Mike, we hope this helps. If these openings don’t shake out just know the staff at BOTG is pulling for you. That reminds me, have you considered a career change? Correction officers have the keys to all the cells and storage/electric closets and total control.

Happy hunting.

Final Note: Gordon is shipping out to Tortuga Isle for an exclusive interview with Leach and his new assistant Captain Barbosa.

Rumors: Muschamp to UT

Wait, he's already there?

Tennessee should hire Leach or Mangino, I heard they're available head coaches.

McGwire comes clean, Canseco remains confused...

While Mark McGwire has made the media rounds today clearing his conscious, his former Bash Brother in Oakland, Jose Canseco, remains confused about the validity of such claims.

Amidst the controversy is former coach and current boss Tony La Russa who claimed to have no knowledge of McGwire using steroids before this Monday.

McGwire made sure to voice his concerns surrounding the quotes from La Russa and Canseco stating,

"There are some things here that are so ridiculous, and so disrespectful for the public and the media to believe. I just can't believe it. I'm in total shock. These guys remind me of politicians that go up and just lie to the public and expect to get elected."

At this point nothing involving McGwire, Canseco, or any baseball player from the Nineties should come as a surprise. Would anyone call Canseco a liar if Carrot Top came out and claimed that Canseco is mistaking his injections of McGwire for another red headed celebrity?

Final Note: Who cares at this point? The only people I feel sorry for in the entire situation are the baseball players of the steroid era who didn't jump on the boat. Btw, yes that is Boy George in the picture certifying the photo's veracity.

USC To Get The Axe?

Rumor on the street is that USC was about to be closely investigated by the NCAA for rule infractions involving recruitment, among other things, essentially pushing Pete Carroll out the door.

Whether or not there was cheating involved, the entire situation smells. We've seen too many programs (read: Tech, Kansas) have Come to Jesus type seasons this year and coaches get pushed out for reasons that might not even incur the same penalties sanctified cheating would incur.

I wish they had the Cheaters crew on hand when news came in, for whichever side made the decision, for Carroll to leave. Would have been awesome to see the way that whole event went down between Carroll and Mike Garrett.

Final Note: Good luck to Pete in Seattle, after his first two forays into the NFL he's going to need it.

It's Official: Pete Carroll To Seattle

No longer mere rumors, Pete Carroll is heading back to the NFL via Seattle to join former players David Kirtman and Lofa Tatupu. While USC Fans are most likely not happy with the move, Seattle fans should be ecstatic with their new pickup.

However, the big story no one is mentioning here (well aside from the issue of an NCAA investigation) is what Mark Sanchez thinks following Carroll's media tongue lashing last year after Sanchez declared for the draft. I wonder if, after a year in the big leagues, Sanchez thinks Carroll is ready for a return to the show?

At the end of the day though, the real question is whether or not Carroll will be able to fill the void of Seahawk's former coach Mike Holmgren. And trust me, that's no easy task.

Urban Meyer: The Controvery Continues

No doubt the Urban Meyer spectacle caught many off-guard. After all, who would have suspected the, arguably, best coach in CFB to retire? The media firestorm and quotes from his wife created even more confusion creating a swirl of information that may or may not be true.

Whatever the case, the latest rumors of our Gainesville will definitely tarnish Urban's image more-so than anything we've heard thus far. In fact, if rumors of Meyer's affair with a 23-year-old student are confirmed you can bet coaches of all shapes and sizes will come off looking pretty good.

All seriousness aside, is the co-ed in question really a mystery?

Final Note: I doubt this is true, Urban's had his fair share of issues lately and this would be over the top. However, following Tigergate would anybody be surprised by anything these days? Hopefully no text messages like this emerge.

Alabama BCS Championship Trophy On Display at Wal-Mart

You can't make this stuff up (and yes I realize it's the Coaches Trophy but the crystal ball is synonymous with national title). While I applaud the University of Alabama for fulfilling their sponsorship obligations this is beyond comical. To celebrate, I found some pictures taken earlier today from Tuscaloosa showing Saban with some happy fans.

Dont' judge, you'd be excited too if your school just won the BCS.

I would be suspicious too

His WoW character is named "Ingraminous"

"Honey if Saban don't smile then I don't smile"

Final Note: Not a terrible idea, much easier to show up at a Wal-Mart parking lot than someone on a campus with parking issues.

Mr. Saban does not smile.

National BCS Game: The Hangover

Where to start? Last night's National Championship game was possibly the biggest let down of my tenure (aka life) as a sports fan. Who, from a sporting perspective, doesn’t feel cheated following the phantom injury? While I hate to go Full Leinart here and use his post loss go-to, I honestly believe Texas was “the better team”. Unfortunately there is no way to prove this. The loss of Colt McCoy completely shifted the attitude of not only Texas, but this game. Texas fans will be left thinking "What if?" FOR-EH-VOR, Sandlot style.Think of Steven Seagal’s role in Executive Decision… how different would that film had been had his misunderstood yet lovable character, Lt. Colonel Austin Travis, not been killed off early in the story? It feels as if some marketing guys got the nation involved through a bunch of build up with Colt in the previews only to have him make a short cameo and then turn the film into a Zach Braff coming of age/despondent love flick (btw, how can the guy who basically wrote Scrubs come up with films like Garden State and The Last Kiss?) where the good guy makes a run at the girl but ultimately comes up short.

So, since this game was heartbreaking yet numbing at the same time I’m going to refrain from attempting to write anything meaningful and instead do what writers do when they’re lazy and comment on other people’s work via quote meshing! In the spirit of Rose Bowl week I’m also only using quotes from The Hangover to describe the ebb and flow of the wackiest (sic worst) National Championship in memory. (BTW I would like to point out that if The Hangover was remade with a sports cast, Nick Saban would have to play Mr. Chow. It’s too perfect to pass up.)
• “NOT UP IN HERE!” How many Texas fans shouted this when Blake Gideon, according to some fans, made another blunder by intercepting the football.
• “Tracy it’s Phil.” “Phil, where the hell are you guys?” “Listen we fucked up. We lost Doug.” The training staff when calling up to Greg Davis.
• “Whose fucking baby is that?” Every person watching the game when we realized Colt McCoy was off the field which segues into…
• “[I don’t know check the collar or something].” Bama fans as Garret Gilbert stepped onto the field.
• “Tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon.” Translation of ESPN pundits speaking pre-game about how it would unfold, i.e. they had no idea.
• “Everyone thinks Mike Tyson is a badass but I think he’s kind of a sweetheart.” The collective voices of viewers across the country in regards to Nick Saban as Alabama took their foot off the pedal followed by...
• “I think he’s mean.” Mack brown on Saban shortly after Trent Richardson’s touchdown with 47 seconds remaining.
• “Not at the table Carlos.” Teammates as Dravannti Johnson excitedly, albeit incorrectly, exclaimed that Alabama got the onside kick.
• “So long, gay boys!” Nick Saban, in his best Mr. Chow voice, at the post-game presser. Could anyone look more pissed at having to speak with reporters?
• “You know I was thinking of getting my bartender’s license.” Kasey Studdard when he learned that Chris Hall has decided to attend Bible School instead of playing in the NFL.
• “Do you know if this hotel is pager friendly?” I got nothing, this is just funny.

In all seriousness, congrats Bama. You guys won and it is what it is, but don't be upset when the media begins putting an asterisk on a game you supposedly won in December.

Final Note: This morning I received an Amber Alert via text as such, “*AMBER ALERT* - Little girl, last seen in Pasadena, CA. Wearing white jersey with number 12 on it and complaining of shoulder pain. Maybe headed to Texas.” Stay classy America, stay classy.