National BCS Game: The Hangover

Where to start? Last night's National Championship game was possibly the biggest let down of my tenure (aka life) as a sports fan. Who, from a sporting perspective, doesn’t feel cheated following the phantom injury? While I hate to go Full Leinart here and use his post loss go-to, I honestly believe Texas was “the better team”. Unfortunately there is no way to prove this. The loss of Colt McCoy completely shifted the attitude of not only Texas, but this game. Texas fans will be left thinking "What if?" FOR-EH-VOR, Sandlot style.Think of Steven Seagal’s role in Executive Decision… how different would that film had been had his misunderstood yet lovable character, Lt. Colonel Austin Travis, not been killed off early in the story? It feels as if some marketing guys got the nation involved through a bunch of build up with Colt in the previews only to have him make a short cameo and then turn the film into a Zach Braff coming of age/despondent love flick (btw, how can the guy who basically wrote Scrubs come up with films like Garden State and The Last Kiss?) where the good guy makes a run at the girl but ultimately comes up short.

So, since this game was heartbreaking yet numbing at the same time I’m going to refrain from attempting to write anything meaningful and instead do what writers do when they’re lazy and comment on other people’s work via quote meshing! In the spirit of Rose Bowl week I’m also only using quotes from The Hangover to describe the ebb and flow of the wackiest (sic worst) National Championship in memory. (BTW I would like to point out that if The Hangover was remade with a sports cast, Nick Saban would have to play Mr. Chow. It’s too perfect to pass up.)
• “NOT UP IN HERE!” How many Texas fans shouted this when Blake Gideon, according to some fans, made another blunder by intercepting the football.
• “Tracy it’s Phil.” “Phil, where the hell are you guys?” “Listen we fucked up. We lost Doug.” The training staff when calling up to Greg Davis.
• “Whose fucking baby is that?” Every person watching the game when we realized Colt McCoy was off the field which segues into…
• “[I don’t know check the collar or something].” Bama fans as Garret Gilbert stepped onto the field.
• “Tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon.” Translation of ESPN pundits speaking pre-game about how it would unfold, i.e. they had no idea.
• “Everyone thinks Mike Tyson is a badass but I think he’s kind of a sweetheart.” The collective voices of viewers across the country in regards to Nick Saban as Alabama took their foot off the pedal followed by...
• “I think he’s mean.” Mack brown on Saban shortly after Trent Richardson’s touchdown with 47 seconds remaining.
• “Not at the table Carlos.” Teammates as Dravannti Johnson excitedly, albeit incorrectly, exclaimed that Alabama got the onside kick.
• “So long, gay boys!” Nick Saban, in his best Mr. Chow voice, at the post-game presser. Could anyone look more pissed at having to speak with reporters?
• “You know I was thinking of getting my bartender’s license.” Kasey Studdard when he learned that Chris Hall has decided to attend Bible School instead of playing in the NFL.
• “Do you know if this hotel is pager friendly?” I got nothing, this is just funny.

In all seriousness, congrats Bama. You guys won and it is what it is, but don't be upset when the media begins putting an asterisk on a game you supposedly won in December.

Final Note: This morning I received an Amber Alert via text as such, “*AMBER ALERT* - Little girl, last seen in Pasadena, CA. Wearing white jersey with number 12 on it and complaining of shoulder pain. Maybe headed to Texas.” Stay classy America, stay classy.