Big 12 to Pat Knight: Suit Up!

Texas Tech head basketball coach Pat Knight was informed by the Big 12 that he was to dress a little more becoming of a division one basketball coach. Knight, who was wearing his signature Red Raider polo when the number one Kansas Jayhawks dispatched Tech in the Big 12 tournament Thursday afternoon.

Kansas coach Bill Self agreed with the Big 12's decision.

"He came up and shook my hand after the game and I thought it was an athletic trainer," Self explained. "Seriously, I was wondering why an athletic trainer was coming up to me. I was wondering if he was going to tape my ankles or something. The only way I found out he was a coach is because he wasn't wearing a fanny pack."

The statement from the Big 12 used language ranging from unbecoming to schleppy when describing Knight's sideline attire.

"We want our head coaches to look the part during the games," a Big 12 compliance official stated. "And a polo is not going to get that done. If he thinks a sweater vest is going to work, he's wrong on that as well. This isn't football and only Jim Tressel can wear something so gay looking. Basketball coaches wear suits on the sidelines, leave the polos for trainers, equipment managers, and cheer coaches."

The Big 12 official offered suggestions for Knight to emulate.

"Rick Pitino is a good model, minus the seedy Italian-ness. I would stay away from the Bruce Pearl look, I don't understand why he wears that orange blazer, his face is orange enough from mystic tans," the official explained. "People need to see Big 12 coaches on the sidelines and have the impression that these guys are as classy as Pitino and the guys in the Big East."

Final Note: Welcome to the big show kid.

True Sports Warriors: Beach Volleyball

Published March 11, 2010

By BALLER X

Sick of hearing players of mainstream sports bitch about how hard it is making millions of dollars (but keep in mind they only get paid 23 weeks out of the year, and everyone has a hand out boo hoo)? Tired of hearing about how gun culture affects the NFL and NBA? At BOTG we are too. We decided to use our vast resources and give the real warriors of the athletic world some face time. The first in our all access series is a beach volleyball player. This person isn't just a beach volleyballer, he/she is EVERY beach volleyballer...

Editors Note: The following content was not created or fabricated by the BOTG staff, it comes straight from the camel's mouth.

I know what you're thinking duude. How horrible, you get to travel to beaches around the world and play volleyball in bathing suits for a living. Well let me tell you something bro, if you're cool with melanoma, purple lips, and chapped nipples it's a pretty legit lifestyle. Seems like some of you douschenozzles might poke fun at our uniforms. Do you seriously not think wearing caps with the bill flipped up counts as a uniform? Well, I do. It's gnarly.

But let me be honest, no holding back aight? Life is not all fun in games in the world of beach volleyball. First is the sponsors. You think Tiger Woods has it tough with all his endorsements? You think being backed by the likes of Nike, Buick, and Gatorade is demanding? Try having reps from Speedo, Hawaiian Tropic, and Sex Wax. Those dudes don't fuck around, it's serious business. There are literally hundreds of dollars at stake. If I don't perform, what the hell am I supposed to do for hotels? Couchsurfing.com? GTFO with that noise, noobs.

Now looks, I'll admit, it's cool being on the beach for a living. There was a time when hanging out at a beach all the time playing volleyball would get you called a bum no better than the old hippie with the metal detector, but like I said before it's a tough life. For one, the beaches today are terrible. Last month at a tournament in California I stepped on a syringe. I'm probably going to die an AIDS related death now, awesome. Also the attire we have to wear sucks. It's not great for the dudes (aside from the caps with the flipped up bills), and if you're a chick the term "sand in your vagina" takes on a whole new meaning.

The truth of the matter is that we get paid damn good money to do what we do. Last year our team made $18,000 bucks for us to split. Our manager only took 20% off the top of that (which he told us was a steal). That's too much money to pass up, that's money worth contracting AIDS for.

Final Note: Yeah, that just happened.

Marion Jones signed by Tulsa Shock, other athletes follow suit via twitter

Published March 10, 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN

Disgraced former fastest lady in the world Marion Jones signed with the WNBA's Tulsa Shock today being granted a second chance as an athlete following her imprisonment. News of Jones' signing, who played for the North Carolina Tar Heels during the mid Nineties and was the point guard for 94 national team, has apparently inspired other athletes to make switches. We have a slew of press flooding in from agents and PR teams, but it looks like the bulkhead is coming off on this new trend in sports. Here are some excerpts from twitter:

KevinDurant35: Is joining the Lumber Liquidators PBA! Coach said its cool since events are on sundays, who wants to sponsor my balls?

OGOchoCinco: Just got signed to do ESPN First Take. I'm comin for that MFer Skip Bayless

TheRealTroyAikman: @OGOchoCinco Do it baby, someone needs to put Skip in his place!

TheRealShaq: is excited to soon be the Most Dominant Driver, Nascar will be renamed Shaqscar.

TimDuncan21: still has no opinion.

DwightHoward: Woooooot, USA Volleyball said I can be on da team! Wait, do i have to wear knee high socks?

GatoradeCorporation: We got lots of sponsorship $$$ now, who's interested?

KevinDurant35: @GatoradeCorporation Sponsor my balls!

NikeCorporation: @GatoradeCorporation lol, you gotta diversify your sponsorships...

Therealshaq: @GatoradeCorporation I gots space on my car, you intrested?

Johndailyrawks: @GatoradeCorporation iminterestedinyouroffer,doyoumakedrinkswithalcoholsss?

CoachBillParcells: I have a new sporting venture, details to follow once it's concrete.

ArrrghImapirate (Leach): Parcels and I are starting our own college football league, take that NCAA.

CoachBillParcells : @ArrrghImapirate shit.

TherealArod: Joining The New York Ballet (yay pirrouetts!) still doin the tennis thing on the weekends though, btw anyone want to buy my house?

NoImtherealarod: @therealarod Damnit Andy give me my name back, how the hell are you so good at computer hacking?

Therealarod: @NoImtherealarod lots of free time on tour, not as many vancouver strip clubs in europe ya know?

ITSTIGERBITCHES: Eh why fight it, I'm signing a long term contract with Vivid Video. No questions.

The Drew Bledsoe Effect: how Mike Holmgren will turn Brady Quinn into an NFL quarterback

Published March 3rd, 2010

In his first move as football czar for the Cleveland Browns, Mike Holmgren is making waves.

The Former Seattle Seahawks/current Wally the Walrus look alike announced today that the Browns are bringing Drew Bledsoe out of retirement.

“The guy is a nurturer,” Holmgren said. “Look at the kids who come up from under him: [Tony] Romo and [Tom] Brady. Those guys backed him up and now look; both Pro Bowlers. I’m pretty sure this will get Brady Quinn on track,” Holmgren added. “It’s called the Drew Bledsoe Effect.”

Bledsoe didn’t come cheap, Holmgren had to outbid Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, who had a similar plan for Bledsoe to nurture his own embattled quarterback, Jamarcus Russell.

“We don’t want Drew [Bledsoe] coming in until the first week of the season,” Holmgren said. “We don’t want him conditioned or prepared at all,” Holmgren continued. “I’m not saying I want him unprepared and to get hurt, but I’m not NOT saying that.”

Holmgren was eager to dismiss those who think he’s running Bledsoe out to be seriously injured.

“We’re shooting for a broken sternum, or arm, or leg, not a collapsed lung or paralysis,” Holmgren said. “Nothing life threatening, but serious enough to get Brady [Quinn] in there.”

Holmgren was also quick to dispel any quarterback controversy rumors.

“Brady [Quinn] will take snaps with the first team offense during the preseason, and hopefully by halftime of the opener nature will have run its course and the Drew Bledsoe Effect will have come to fruition,” Holmgren explained.

Quinn is excited about Holmgren’s commitment to making him better.

“This is so freaking sweet,” Quinn said. “I can go from the buffest backup quarterback in the league to the buffest Super Bowl winning quarterback. Tom Brady may have to handsome devil market cornered, but I’ll grab the jacked quarterback market and never let go. EAS is going to be pumped, like me. God I’m so freaking ripped,” Quinn said.