Insensitive sports quotes brought to light following Kornheiser suspension by ESPN

Published February 24, 2010

By BOTG STAFF

Tony Kornheiser was suspended by ESPN for two weeks in lieu of comments made regarding the dress attire of Sports Center anchor Hannah Storm.

"She's got on red go-go boots and a Catholic-school plaid skirt ... way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now ... She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body ... Come on now! Stop! What are you doing?" said Kornheiser on his radio show last week.

News of punishment is sending shock waves through the sports entertainment industry as other similar comments are being brought to the forefront by various whistle blowers. BOTG, always a bastion of ethical journalism, has unearthed exclusive quotes via our extensive network of local reporters. WARNING: The following quotes may not be safe for viewing at work, please view at your own discretion.

"Have you ever shaken [Adrian Peterson's] hand? It's like a vice grip. He learned that from his father who spent years holding on to a bar of soap for dear life in prison." former NFL head coach Jon Gruden.

"I know what Rocker said was inappropriate, but have you ever been on the train to Shea Stadium?" MLB sportscaster Jon Miller.

"I haven't seen a Jew kick as much ass as David Stern since Eric Bana in Munich," ESPN columnist Bill Simmons.

"I'd say the Pirates have the same shot at winning the world series as Sarah Palin volunteering for Albert Pujols' charity for Down Syndrome" ESPN Baseball analyst Joe Morgan.

"Who let the dogs out? Not Michael Vick." lead sportscaster for Monday Night Football Mike Tirico

"Tonight we've got a barn burner baaabyyyy. It's the UConn Huskies versus the nappy headed hos in primetiiiime baaaabyyy." Apparent alcoholic Don Imus doing a terrible impression of sportscaster Dick Vitale.

"He was screaming that he would show me his, can I say this on television (looks to NBA representative)? He was saying he was going to show me his dick. I can't have NBA players running around pulling their pants down during a game as some showing of masculinity. At some point the refs must be able to control what happens at the court, male nudity is where I draw the line." Semi-deaf NBA Official Joey Crawford on why he ejected Tim Duncan.

"Joey had a wild look in his eyes and threatened to fight me, I was trying to point out to him that they were using illegal picks." San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan following his ejection by NBA Official Joey Crawford.

"The Steelers attack the defense the way Ben Roethlisberger attacks chubby hotel cleaning ladies." NFL on NBC commentator Cris Collinsworth.

"Facebook? More like f*ckbook." PGA golfer and admitted sex addict Tiger Woods.

"Hey sugartits, what's your name?" Former Baseball Tonight Anchor Steve Phillips to producer Brooke Hudley during a mis-scheduled commercial break.

"Woah, I bet she eats a lot of turkey." John Madden commenting on a fan during a Thanksgiving Day broadcast.

"The Flying Tomato looks more like The Messy Period following that crash!" X-Games host Sal Masekela on Shaun White.

"Goalie fights are as rare as black hockey players," ESPN NHL hockey analyst Barry Melrose.

"[Insert anything ever said by Mike Tyson here]." Former WBA Heavy Weight Champion Mike Tyson.

BOTG looks to the future: 2010 MLB headlines

Published February 23, 2010

Editor's Note: Apparently Gordon has channeled The Great Carnak and pulled some press headlines from the future, this is the type of hard-nosed reporting journalism needs right now!

With pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training baseball season is officially around the corner, here’s a look at some of the upcoming season’s headlines thus far.

American League

New York Yankees- The defending world champions have yet to find a fifth pitcher for their starting lineup since Joba Chamberlain ate the last one.

Detroit Tigers- Word is that newly acquired outfielder Johnny Damon (who has the throwing arm of an eight year old girl) said he would take the pay cut the Tigers offered so that he could, “beat Magglio Ordonez’s .26 reading on the breathalyzer, broskie.”

Minnesota Twins- The Twins have yet to sign hometown hero Joe Mauer. Those in the baseball know are shocked to hear that there is still baseball played in Minnesota.

Boston Red Sox- Pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka is said to be on the same page as the Boston pitching staff. Page one.

Texas Rangers- Outfielder Josh Hamilton was found free basing Lucky Charms in an alley behind a grocery store.

National League

Los Angeles Dodgers- Outfielder Manny Ramirez declares that 2010 as his last year with the Dodgers. Ramirez has plans to play next year on the planet Pluto (crazy, I know, he still calls Pluto a planet).

Philadelphia Phillies- The National league champion’s closer Brad Lidge says he’s ready for this season. On a related note St. Louis Cardinals Slugger Albert Pujols says that “he's ready to for the Phillies.”

Florida Marlins- An unnamed source in the Marlins’ front office explained why the Marlins ship away any talent that would cost over 13 bucks: “We’re making room for Lebron James,” the exec explained.

Pittsburgh Pirates- A marketing executive with the Pirates announced that the team would be holding an “Emo Day.” Anyone wearing any combination of skinny jeans, a haircut that swoops over one eye, or a morose expression will receive free admission. The exec described it as, “A bunch of sad looking people watching a sad looking team.”

Cincinnati Reds- Cuban defect free agent pitcher Aroldis Chapman has reportedly found out how much it sucks to play for the Reds. He has been seen trying to escape Cincinnati on a raft. “Fidel, take me back,” Chapman has been quoted as saying.

Final thought: YOU BROKE MY HEART BRAD LIDGE.

Tiger Woods "I am not a role model"

Published January 17, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

Tiger Woods is slated to speak out for the first time since his car troubles Friday morning. The normally tight lipped Woods gave a BOTG reporter who was enrolled at the same rehab center (for different reasons) an unprecedented look at a draft of his statement.

“Good morning. I’ll be making a short statement and then opening things up for your questions. You’ll have to excuse my notes, I’m a little nervous. Sarah Palin will never call me the ‘charismatic guy with the teleprompter,’

A few months ago I had a car accident. I was not under the influence of alcohol or any illegal substances. A few days later, word of my transgressions came out. I would first like to take this opportunity to beg my wife for forgiveness apologize to my wife. What I did was understandable for a super athlete like me unforgiveable.

There were hundreds of women I slept with, maybe even thousands, I was getting laid more than Wilt Chamberlain back in his prime. I did cheat on my wife a lot, and for that I’m sorry to my wife, kids, and fans. If that meddling bitch had stayed out of my text messages everything would still be great.

My agent says I need to thank my fans for their understanding. From my fans I ask forgiveness. I guess, I really don’t care. Please keep in mind that I’m a human, and I make mistakes. If you consider having sex with numerous numerous women a mistake. That being said I hate cherish my role as a role model, and don’t care to hope to regain people’s trust.

As far as my sponsors go: you’ve already made me more money than I know what to do with. Seriously, I was throwing thousands of dollars at all these women. I hope to restore the Tiger Woods name, and make you all proud to be affiliate with me again. I’m going to keep throwing clubs and cursing on camera, but I promise that all my future infidelities under wraps. If you think about it, I did a pretty good job, I’ve been cheating on Elin since day three of our marriage, and it just NOW came out.

My time at the Bunny Ranch Pine Grove Rehab Center in Nevada Mississippi was a great experience. I spent my days having sex with multiple hookers simultaneously in group therapy learning tantra self control. I’mthe same a changed man.

I’m the same a changed man. I’m looking forward to hitting on waitresses, bartenders, flight attendants, anything that’s not my wife the course again soon.

Rick Pitino to Jersey Shore

Published February 15, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

There may be mutual interest between Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino and the New Jersey Nets after all. Pitino denied any such interest to the saps at ESPN, but to BOTG he said a deal was “imminent” and that we needed to keep our mouths shut, capisce?

Soon to be Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov said there was never any doubt that Pitino was his man.

“In mother Russia we look for a man like Reek for leadership. In my veellage Reek would control all of the vodka and potatoes,” Prokhorov said in a heavy Russian accent. “Except if someone tried to extort me there wouldn’t be any authorities involved… If you catch my drift.”

Pitino explained to us off the record (something that matters little to us) why he is denying his interest.

“The job doesn’t open up until April, I tell you now that I’m interested, and boom, I’m a lame duck coach and we start losing; and let me tell you this, losing coaches don’t get to have sex in restaurants after hours,” Pitino explained.

Pitino has gone as far as to contact the “Jersey Shore” creators with interest in making appearances on the show.

“Hey, I’ll be in the area. I think it’ll be great,” Pitino said of the Shore. “First thing I’m going to do is lay down a full court press to get Snookie on a table.”

Pitino, a member of the Italian American sports hall of fame, is still unsure about nicknames for the show, but is kicking around ideas.

“There’s already a ‘Situation’ and ‘J-wow.’ I could be ‘Rowdy Rick’ or ‘Pitino the Pipe Layer.’ It’s a work in progress. All I know is that I want to be involved with such a good group of young Italian Americans.” Pitino said.

Final Note: MTV could do wonders with Pitino and Sooki both on board.

Jimmie Johnson accidentally ends up on To Catch a Predator

Published January 5, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

Four time Nascar Nextel Cup champion Jimmie Johnson will appear on an upcoming episode of Dateline NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.”

“I freaking knew it,” said Hendrick Motorsport teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. “Everything about that dude screams pederast.”

Johnson, 34, arrived at the home of what he thought was a 14 year old boy in his number 48 racecar. When Johnson entered the house, host Chris Hansen sprang the trap.

“I wasn’t going to do anything,” Johnson said upon seeing the camera crew.

Hansen then proceeded to produce a printout of the lewd instant message conversations Johnson had with the decoy.

“It says here you wanted him to handle your stick shift,” Hansen said.

Unphased, Johnson replied, “I didn’t say that, that’s not me.”

“Then who wants this kid to handle their stick shift?” Hansen asked. “Isn’t your screenname ‘longjohnson48?” Hansen inquired further.

“Uh yeah, I’m a racecar driver,” Johnson said pointing to his race suit and his Lowes racecar. “Can I go now?”

Hansen then told Johnson he was free to go, and a clearly unnerved Johnson bolted for the door toward his racecar. He climbed in through the window and peeled out of the driveway.

“Get me out of here Chad [Johnson crew chief Chad Knaus],” Johnson was heard screaming into his helmet.

Eyewitnesses indicate that a mile down the road a case of Wacky Watermelon Boone’s farm, a box of condoms, and a tickler were seen flying out of the window of the 48 racecar.

The episode of “To Catch a Predator” is set to air February 14, the same day as the Daytona 500. No word yet on Johnson’s status.

Final Note: Gordon thinks JJ looks like a pedophile. Let me rephrase, Gordon feels SO STRONGLY about JJ looking like a classic pedophile he wrote this article. I'm surprised he didn't write one about George Muresan. If Frankenstein can be pegged as a pedophile/child killer, surely there's a place in Eastern Europe eying Muresan the same way. BTW, check out Muresan's cologne.

Gilbert Arenas to "regain trust of children"

Published February 4, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR

Gilbert Arenas, fresh off his plea bargain and suspension is determined to do right by the children of America.

“I intend to regain the trust that children used to have in me,” Arenas said.

When interviewing children about their trust in Arenas, BOTG found that the majority of kids who live outside Washington D.C. have no idea who Arenas is. One kid actually confused Gilbert Arenas with Gilbert Gottfried, the voice of the AFLAC duck.

“I don’t trust that AFLAC duck at all,” the child said. When told that Gilbert Arenas was not the voice of the duck, but a gun toting basketball player the child asked, “don’t all basketball players have guns and come from the hood?”

It turns out the child was the son of former Kansas basketball coach Mark Mangino.

Arenas remains undeterred.

“Agent Zero is a straight shooter,” Arenas said. “Wait, I didn’t shoot anyone, I’m a straight aimer. I’m going to regain the trust of the youth of America through non-violence, which won’t be hard considering I didn’t actually shoot anyone.”

Final Note: Cementing the fact that Gilbert Arenas is from another planet was the quote, "I mean, honestly, if I was going to attack someone it would be with the needler. That shit is annoying and you can't get away from it!" True that.

Phil Mickelson caught cheating?

Published February 2, 2010

By GORDON TAYLOR and CHRIS THORBURN

Scott McCarron, who has been critical of Phil Mickelson's use of golf clubs that have grooves on them that no longer conform to PGA and USGA standards, yet are still legal to use because they are grandfathered in.

"I didn't call Phil a cheater," McCarron said. "I said using those clubs is cheating and that people who cheat are dirty rotten bastards, it's not the same."

McCarron is planning to continue to voice his displeasure about Mickelson and others continuing to use the controversial clubs.

"I'm like O.J. Simpson, I will not rest until these people are brought to justice," McCarron said referencing the acquitted wife murderer.

No word yet on whether or not the Tigerless PGA brass put McCarron into talking smack to Mickelson.

Final Thought: In other news former PGA Tour golfer Lee Trevino issues a similar quote.

"I'm not saying Tiger is a cheater," said Trevino on his blog shootermcgavinaintgotshitonme.com, "I'm just saying that people who work out more than I do have an unfair advantage and are dirty rotten bastards, but Tiger is not a cheater."

Breaking News: Dwight Freeney is a Hall of Famer

Published February 1, 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN

While waiting on results from a second MRI, Indianapolis Colts Defensive End Dwight Freeney received news of a secret placement in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

"I was just sitting on my couch watching Big Bang Theory, I'm usually playing or watching Peyton [Manning] and The Regasaur [Wayne] practice Monday nights so I have to binge watch it on TiVo, when my phone started blowing up," said Freeney.

Freeney's iPhone was lambasted with over 430 text updates from Twitter and Facebook updates congratulating the star on the career achievement award shortly after Bob Pecosi leaked the news during a Sports Center Update on ESPN Radio earlier this morning.

According to Freeney, the only phone calls he received three total phone calls during the entire episode as he scrambled to hit pause on his TiVo and go to wikipedia so that he may verify the veracity of Pecosi's claim.

"Thank the big man upstairs I was able to get an iPad," said Freeney, "Without it I would have had to have gotten off the couch and hobbled around on my bad ankle. You shoulda seen those mothers at Best-Buy the other day, it felt like I was playing against my fellow Hall of Famer Bruce Matthews or something trying to wind in an out of the aisles. I must have thrown six or seven, wait no, at least 12 spin moves to beat them to an iPad. Crazy man..."

Freeney went on to state that the phone calls came from Hall of Fame Chairman Gabriel Thurman, who called to let Freeney know if it was true that he had secretly be introduced into the HOF (the answer was, for some unknown reason, stated as a question when Thurman said, "What is "no" Dwight?), NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell, who told Freeney that an investigation into this was imminent and, "That if Adam Jones is involved in this in any way you're going down", and Terry Bradshaw who apparently called to see if Freeney had recorded the latest Frank Caliendo Show.

While the announcement appears to be a miscue on Pecosi's behalf(Pecosi admitted to reading an old Sports Illustrated earlier this morning while waiting in a doctors office lauding Freeney's ability and the Colt's defense and became confused), Freeney has not given up hope that he has become the first modern NFL player to become a Hall of Fame member before he has retired.

"Those were the worst [expletive] calls I've seen in a long time ... To have an event of that magnitude taken out of your hands, it's just disgusting. It's not like they made one [expletive] bad call -- it's two calls, in the morning ... They need to start investigating some other [expletive]."