BOTG looks to the future: 2010 MLB headlines

Published February 23, 2010

Editor's Note: Apparently Gordon has channeled The Great Carnak and pulled some press headlines from the future, this is the type of hard-nosed reporting journalism needs right now!

With pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training baseball season is officially around the corner, here’s a look at some of the upcoming season’s headlines thus far.

American League

New York Yankees- The defending world champions have yet to find a fifth pitcher for their starting lineup since Joba Chamberlain ate the last one.

Detroit Tigers- Word is that newly acquired outfielder Johnny Damon (who has the throwing arm of an eight year old girl) said he would take the pay cut the Tigers offered so that he could, “beat Magglio Ordonez’s .26 reading on the breathalyzer, broskie.”

Minnesota Twins- The Twins have yet to sign hometown hero Joe Mauer. Those in the baseball know are shocked to hear that there is still baseball played in Minnesota.

Boston Red Sox- Pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka is said to be on the same page as the Boston pitching staff. Page one.

Texas Rangers- Outfielder Josh Hamilton was found free basing Lucky Charms in an alley behind a grocery store.

National League

Los Angeles Dodgers- Outfielder Manny Ramirez declares that 2010 as his last year with the Dodgers. Ramirez has plans to play next year on the planet Pluto (crazy, I know, he still calls Pluto a planet).

Philadelphia Phillies- The National league champion’s closer Brad Lidge says he’s ready for this season. On a related note St. Louis Cardinals Slugger Albert Pujols says that “he's ready to for the Phillies.”

Florida Marlins- An unnamed source in the Marlins’ front office explained why the Marlins ship away any talent that would cost over 13 bucks: “We’re making room for Lebron James,” the exec explained.

Pittsburgh Pirates- A marketing executive with the Pirates announced that the team would be holding an “Emo Day.” Anyone wearing any combination of skinny jeans, a haircut that swoops over one eye, or a morose expression will receive free admission. The exec described it as, “A bunch of sad looking people watching a sad looking team.”

Cincinnati Reds- Cuban defect free agent pitcher Aroldis Chapman has reportedly found out how much it sucks to play for the Reds. He has been seen trying to escape Cincinnati on a raft. “Fidel, take me back,” Chapman has been quoted as saying.

Final thought: YOU BROKE MY HEART BRAD LIDGE.