NFL Draft First Round Recap

Fact: Under current Commissioner Roger Gooddell all televised NFL events must have a 24 hour tape delay in case Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson somehow get on camera simultaneously. Lucky for us Gordon ran into one of their junior editors at a Sizzler and they hit it up... if you're picking up what I'm putting down. Needless to say, I'm not allowed to disclose how we were able to watch the entire first round of the NFL draft (airing tonight) but I think most of you can figure it out.

1. Rams

Smart money: QB Sam Bradford.

Actual pick: Trade down to Pittsburgh, take Uncle Rico in later rounds.

Says general manager Elroy Hirsch "Says general manager Elroy Hirsch, "Have you seen the film on this guy? He's pro-day tapes are off the charts. $@& he threw a football over some mountains... that's beyond anything Michael Vick ever produced for Powerade. Rico may have an unconventional release, but we're confident that things would have been different had coach put him in at state."

1A. Steelers (Acquired from Rams for Ben Sexual Assaultlesberger and first round pick)

Says former head coach Bill Cowher, "The Rooney's always hinted at.... no they flat out told me they were looking to develop a "new breed" of quarterback. I'm pretty confident they're going to put Sam's head and legs on Byron's arms and torso and call it Syron Brussle... at least the abomination won't have Ben's dick to get it in trouble with."

2. Lions

Smart money: DT Ndamukong Suh

Actual pick: DT Ndamukong Suh

Says head coach Jim Schwartz "His name means house of spears right? he has to be able to throw better than Stafford. We've got our franchise quarterback."

3. Buccaneers

Smart money: DT Gerald McCoy

Actual pick: snafu in the war room causes the bucs to take Colt McCoy... Says head coach Raheem Morris "What the hell? can't be any worse than Josh Freeman, right?"

4. Redskins

Smart money: OT Russell Okung

Actual Pick: Tim Tebow.

Says new head coach Mike Shanahan "I can make anyone a running back, I'm going to take a system quarterback and turn him into a system running back."

5. Chiefs

Smart money: S Eric Berry

Actual pick: Dr. Oz.

Says GM Scott Pioli "We hope that Dr. Oz won't botch Charlie Weis' next lap band procedure."

6. Seahawks

Smart money: OT Trent Williams

Actual pick: Jonathan Moxon (West Canaan Coyotes)

Says head coach/GM Pete Carroll, "Mox is a bright kid from the Ivy League with a cannon arm. He got an effin 50 on the Wunderlich for [Pete's]sake, this is the life everyone dreamed for him and he's got the NFL pedigree after playing under coaching legend Jon Voight."

7. Browns

Smart money: DT Dan Williams

Actual pick: Concealed handgun license instructor for NT Shaun Rogers.

Says head coach Eric Mangini "In this economy we can't take a defensive tackle at 7, but we can swing the fees for gun safety classes."

8. Raiders

Smart money: QB Jimmy Clausen

Actual pick: QB JaMarcus Russell

Says owner Al Davis, "The kid deserves another chance so we're forgoing our pick to spend first round money resigning JaMarcus another 3 years.... plus he's black which means he's got better football instincts."

9. Bills

Smart money: OT Bryan Bulaga

Actual Pick: Trade down to Arizona for Matt Leinart and first round pick.

Says head coach Dick Jauron "We heard that Leinart was really good at changing out game tapes, and we just lost our head film guy so it fits... plus I heard he likes to party, figured we'd initiate him into family by taking him to a Mounty Show up on one of those crazy Canadian border towns."

9A. Arizona Cardinals:

Smart money: OT Bryan Bulaga

Actual pick: Incumbent John McCain who is in a tough battle for the United States Senate.

Says owner Bill Bidwell: "I'm an NFL owner, I'm republican, what did you expect?"

10. Jaguars

Smart money: WR Dez Bryant

Actual pick: Deion Sanders

Says head coach Jack Del Rio: "We figured, why not cut out the middle man? Deion was mentoring Dez. Hell, our defense sure could use one more player who can't tackle. Primetime Baby!"

Around the Horn Transcript: Yeah, we got people on the inside

Note: We accidentally received this memo which was meant for the staff of Around the Horn. It seems like a great window into how show content is developed at ESPN.

MLB Around the Horn

It’s baseball season folks, and though we’re only a few days into the season news is percolating around the league. Here are some of the headlines to look forward to in the first of our 24 to 28 part series throughout the season.

National League

Pittsburgh Pirates- Not much brewing for the Pirates this year, Andrew McCutchen will be a bright spot this year.

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez makes 33 million dollars, The Pittsburgh Pirates make 35. Awesome.

San Francisco Giants- The Giants doled out some serious money for their pitching staff in the offseason.

On another note, it’s going to be hard to slim down third baseman Pablo Sandoval when Tim Lincecum is constantly eating Twinkies and Cool Ranch Doritos on account of the munchies.

Atlanta Braves- This season is manager Bobby Cox’s farewell tour…

Will it be a victory lap? No, but on the bright side we can expect at least 90 ejections this season. What are they going to do? Fire him?

Philadelphia Phillies- The defending NL champs made a big splash acquiring pitcher Roy Halladay.

Has anyone else noticed that he looks EXACTLY like the guy from "The Burbs"?

Colorado Rockies- The Rocks are a trendy pick to make the World Series this season.

This raises a few questions… Who’s their staff ace? Isn’t Todd Helton at least 73 years old? Can anyone tell me why their mascot is a triceratops?

Milwaukee Brewers-

Prince Fielder, still fat.

American League

Texas Rangers- Ron Washington admitted to testing positive for cocaine this spring.

Is this really the guy you want in charge of Josh Hamilton? He reminds me of Dave Chapelle in the Red Ball Commercial.

Chicago White Sox- Pitcher Mark Buehrle made a spectacular defensive play to start the season.

To which manager Ozzie Guillen said, “Dat play? Dat play was a piece of shit. Dis isn’t freaking soccer, Dat play was more queer than [Chicago Tribune writer] Jay Mariotti.”

Tampa Bay Rays- The window for opportunity may be shutting for the Rays with much of their young talent up for grabs at the end of this season.

Manager Joe Maddon (and his uber hip glasses) is not phased, he can be found at local coffee shops poaching free wi-fi and pecking away at his novella.

Seattle Mariners- The Mariners signed pitcher Cliff Lee and surly outfielder/board game creator Milton Bradley in hopes of escaping the cellar.

Will it pan out? Who knows? Bradley (who was happy to escape racism in Chicago) has already been quoted as saying he “refuses to take orders from a Chinaman,” in regards to manager Don Wakamatsu, who is not Chinese.

Cleveland Indians- Pitcher Kerry Wood is starting the season on the disabled list.

Really? What else is new? Is that even newsworthy? That would be like printing “oxygen= important,” “Britney Spears Crazy,” or “Kirstie Alley Hungry” on the front page of the paper. The fact that the Indians are paying Wood 10 million explains the tribe in a nutshell.

Baltimore Orioles-

There is still a team in Baltimore, they have uniforms and everything.

Big 12 to Pat Knight: Suit Up!

Texas Tech head basketball coach Pat Knight was informed by the Big 12 that he was to dress a little more becoming of a division one basketball coach. Knight, who was wearing his signature Red Raider polo when the number one Kansas Jayhawks dispatched Tech in the Big 12 tournament Thursday afternoon.

Kansas coach Bill Self agreed with the Big 12's decision.

"He came up and shook my hand after the game and I thought it was an athletic trainer," Self explained. "Seriously, I was wondering why an athletic trainer was coming up to me. I was wondering if he was going to tape my ankles or something. The only way I found out he was a coach is because he wasn't wearing a fanny pack."

The statement from the Big 12 used language ranging from unbecoming to schleppy when describing Knight's sideline attire.

"We want our head coaches to look the part during the games," a Big 12 compliance official stated. "And a polo is not going to get that done. If he thinks a sweater vest is going to work, he's wrong on that as well. This isn't football and only Jim Tressel can wear something so gay looking. Basketball coaches wear suits on the sidelines, leave the polos for trainers, equipment managers, and cheer coaches."

The Big 12 official offered suggestions for Knight to emulate.

"Rick Pitino is a good model, minus the seedy Italian-ness. I would stay away from the Bruce Pearl look, I don't understand why he wears that orange blazer, his face is orange enough from mystic tans," the official explained. "People need to see Big 12 coaches on the sidelines and have the impression that these guys are as classy as Pitino and the guys in the Big East."

Final Note: Welcome to the big show kid.

True Sports Warriors: Beach Volleyball

Published March 11, 2010

By BALLER X

Sick of hearing players of mainstream sports bitch about how hard it is making millions of dollars (but keep in mind they only get paid 23 weeks out of the year, and everyone has a hand out boo hoo)? Tired of hearing about how gun culture affects the NFL and NBA? At BOTG we are too. We decided to use our vast resources and give the real warriors of the athletic world some face time. The first in our all access series is a beach volleyball player. This person isn't just a beach volleyballer, he/she is EVERY beach volleyballer...

Editors Note: The following content was not created or fabricated by the BOTG staff, it comes straight from the camel's mouth.

I know what you're thinking duude. How horrible, you get to travel to beaches around the world and play volleyball in bathing suits for a living. Well let me tell you something bro, if you're cool with melanoma, purple lips, and chapped nipples it's a pretty legit lifestyle. Seems like some of you douschenozzles might poke fun at our uniforms. Do you seriously not think wearing caps with the bill flipped up counts as a uniform? Well, I do. It's gnarly.

But let me be honest, no holding back aight? Life is not all fun in games in the world of beach volleyball. First is the sponsors. You think Tiger Woods has it tough with all his endorsements? You think being backed by the likes of Nike, Buick, and Gatorade is demanding? Try having reps from Speedo, Hawaiian Tropic, and Sex Wax. Those dudes don't fuck around, it's serious business. There are literally hundreds of dollars at stake. If I don't perform, what the hell am I supposed to do for hotels? Couchsurfing.com? GTFO with that noise, noobs.

Now looks, I'll admit, it's cool being on the beach for a living. There was a time when hanging out at a beach all the time playing volleyball would get you called a bum no better than the old hippie with the metal detector, but like I said before it's a tough life. For one, the beaches today are terrible. Last month at a tournament in California I stepped on a syringe. I'm probably going to die an AIDS related death now, awesome. Also the attire we have to wear sucks. It's not great for the dudes (aside from the caps with the flipped up bills), and if you're a chick the term "sand in your vagina" takes on a whole new meaning.

The truth of the matter is that we get paid damn good money to do what we do. Last year our team made $18,000 bucks for us to split. Our manager only took 20% off the top of that (which he told us was a steal). That's too much money to pass up, that's money worth contracting AIDS for.

Final Note: Yeah, that just happened.

Marion Jones signed by Tulsa Shock, other athletes follow suit via twitter

Published March 10, 2010

By CHRIS THORBURN

Disgraced former fastest lady in the world Marion Jones signed with the WNBA's Tulsa Shock today being granted a second chance as an athlete following her imprisonment. News of Jones' signing, who played for the North Carolina Tar Heels during the mid Nineties and was the point guard for 94 national team, has apparently inspired other athletes to make switches. We have a slew of press flooding in from agents and PR teams, but it looks like the bulkhead is coming off on this new trend in sports. Here are some excerpts from twitter:

KevinDurant35: Is joining the Lumber Liquidators PBA! Coach said its cool since events are on sundays, who wants to sponsor my balls?

OGOchoCinco: Just got signed to do ESPN First Take. I'm comin for that MFer Skip Bayless

TheRealTroyAikman: @OGOchoCinco Do it baby, someone needs to put Skip in his place!

TheRealShaq: is excited to soon be the Most Dominant Driver, Nascar will be renamed Shaqscar.

TimDuncan21: still has no opinion.

DwightHoward: Woooooot, USA Volleyball said I can be on da team! Wait, do i have to wear knee high socks?

GatoradeCorporation: We got lots of sponsorship $$$ now, who's interested?

KevinDurant35: @GatoradeCorporation Sponsor my balls!

NikeCorporation: @GatoradeCorporation lol, you gotta diversify your sponsorships...

Therealshaq: @GatoradeCorporation I gots space on my car, you intrested?

Johndailyrawks: @GatoradeCorporation iminterestedinyouroffer,doyoumakedrinkswithalcoholsss?

CoachBillParcells: I have a new sporting venture, details to follow once it's concrete.

ArrrghImapirate (Leach): Parcels and I are starting our own college football league, take that NCAA.

CoachBillParcells : @ArrrghImapirate shit.

TherealArod: Joining The New York Ballet (yay pirrouetts!) still doin the tennis thing on the weekends though, btw anyone want to buy my house?

NoImtherealarod: @therealarod Damnit Andy give me my name back, how the hell are you so good at computer hacking?

Therealarod: @NoImtherealarod lots of free time on tour, not as many vancouver strip clubs in europe ya know?

ITSTIGERBITCHES: Eh why fight it, I'm signing a long term contract with Vivid Video. No questions.

The Drew Bledsoe Effect: how Mike Holmgren will turn Brady Quinn into an NFL quarterback

Published March 3rd, 2010

In his first move as football czar for the Cleveland Browns, Mike Holmgren is making waves.

The Former Seattle Seahawks/current Wally the Walrus look alike announced today that the Browns are bringing Drew Bledsoe out of retirement.

“The guy is a nurturer,” Holmgren said. “Look at the kids who come up from under him: [Tony] Romo and [Tom] Brady. Those guys backed him up and now look; both Pro Bowlers. I’m pretty sure this will get Brady Quinn on track,” Holmgren added. “It’s called the Drew Bledsoe Effect.”

Bledsoe didn’t come cheap, Holmgren had to outbid Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, who had a similar plan for Bledsoe to nurture his own embattled quarterback, Jamarcus Russell.

“We don’t want Drew [Bledsoe] coming in until the first week of the season,” Holmgren said. “We don’t want him conditioned or prepared at all,” Holmgren continued. “I’m not saying I want him unprepared and to get hurt, but I’m not NOT saying that.”

Holmgren was eager to dismiss those who think he’s running Bledsoe out to be seriously injured.

“We’re shooting for a broken sternum, or arm, or leg, not a collapsed lung or paralysis,” Holmgren said. “Nothing life threatening, but serious enough to get Brady [Quinn] in there.”

Holmgren was also quick to dispel any quarterback controversy rumors.

“Brady [Quinn] will take snaps with the first team offense during the preseason, and hopefully by halftime of the opener nature will have run its course and the Drew Bledsoe Effect will have come to fruition,” Holmgren explained.

Quinn is excited about Holmgren’s commitment to making him better.

“This is so freaking sweet,” Quinn said. “I can go from the buffest backup quarterback in the league to the buffest Super Bowl winning quarterback. Tom Brady may have to handsome devil market cornered, but I’ll grab the jacked quarterback market and never let go. EAS is going to be pumped, like me. God I’m so freaking ripped,” Quinn said.

Insensitive sports quotes brought to light following Kornheiser suspension by ESPN

Published February 24, 2010

By BOTG STAFF

Tony Kornheiser was suspended by ESPN for two weeks in lieu of comments made regarding the dress attire of Sports Center anchor Hannah Storm.

"She's got on red go-go boots and a Catholic-school plaid skirt ... way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now ... She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body ... Come on now! Stop! What are you doing?" said Kornheiser on his radio show last week.

News of punishment is sending shock waves through the sports entertainment industry as other similar comments are being brought to the forefront by various whistle blowers. BOTG, always a bastion of ethical journalism, has unearthed exclusive quotes via our extensive network of local reporters. WARNING: The following quotes may not be safe for viewing at work, please view at your own discretion.

"Have you ever shaken [Adrian Peterson's] hand? It's like a vice grip. He learned that from his father who spent years holding on to a bar of soap for dear life in prison." former NFL head coach Jon Gruden.

"I know what Rocker said was inappropriate, but have you ever been on the train to Shea Stadium?" MLB sportscaster Jon Miller.

"I haven't seen a Jew kick as much ass as David Stern since Eric Bana in Munich," ESPN columnist Bill Simmons.

"I'd say the Pirates have the same shot at winning the world series as Sarah Palin volunteering for Albert Pujols' charity for Down Syndrome" ESPN Baseball analyst Joe Morgan.

"Who let the dogs out? Not Michael Vick." lead sportscaster for Monday Night Football Mike Tirico

"Tonight we've got a barn burner baaabyyyy. It's the UConn Huskies versus the nappy headed hos in primetiiiime baaaabyyy." Apparent alcoholic Don Imus doing a terrible impression of sportscaster Dick Vitale.

"He was screaming that he would show me his, can I say this on television (looks to NBA representative)? He was saying he was going to show me his dick. I can't have NBA players running around pulling their pants down during a game as some showing of masculinity. At some point the refs must be able to control what happens at the court, male nudity is where I draw the line." Semi-deaf NBA Official Joey Crawford on why he ejected Tim Duncan.

"Joey had a wild look in his eyes and threatened to fight me, I was trying to point out to him that they were using illegal picks." San Antonio Spurs forward Tim Duncan following his ejection by NBA Official Joey Crawford.

"The Steelers attack the defense the way Ben Roethlisberger attacks chubby hotel cleaning ladies." NFL on NBC commentator Cris Collinsworth.

"Facebook? More like f*ckbook." PGA golfer and admitted sex addict Tiger Woods.

"Hey sugartits, what's your name?" Former Baseball Tonight Anchor Steve Phillips to producer Brooke Hudley during a mis-scheduled commercial break.

"Woah, I bet she eats a lot of turkey." John Madden commenting on a fan during a Thanksgiving Day broadcast.

"The Flying Tomato looks more like The Messy Period following that crash!" X-Games host Sal Masekela on Shaun White.

"Goalie fights are as rare as black hockey players," ESPN NHL hockey analyst Barry Melrose.

"[Insert anything ever said by Mike Tyson here]." Former WBA Heavy Weight Champion Mike Tyson.